I have been in a downward spiral for what seems like my entire life. I am now 39 years old, the mother of a soon to be 7 year old and a 4 1/2 year old. I have one sister that I speak with occasionally and that's it for our family. My mom passed away Feb 02, 2008, the one year anniversary is coming up and my son's 7th birthday is on the 4th of Feb. Nothing has gone right for me for a very long time. I am tired and I am so terribly lonely right now. My kids don't listen to me, respect me or our home. All my life I wanted to be a mother, never thought I would be a single mom. It's been so hard for so long that I just don't want to go on anymore. I have life insurance so that the kids will be taken care of. I am worth more dead than I am alive. My only worry is what will happen to them once I am gone. Although they drive me crazy I do love them with all my heart and want a good life for them. I can't give them that though. They are too old to be adopted now and I doubt that my sister would take them and raise them. It would destroy her family to do that. Now I have been considering options and just don't know what to do about things. Last week a couple made a suicide pact and they killed their children, the husband died but the wife was saved. Why did they save her? Why not let her die? It was what she wanted, now her husband and children are gone and all they want is for her to spend the rest of her life in prison for what she has done. I don't want to hurt my children. I want them to have the life I have never had. I just can't continue on this way and be a part of it. My son bent up his $400 glasses yesterday. I was so upset about it that I destroyed them completely. We have no money at all to get new ones. I know I was going over the top but still I did it. I am angry at myself and him. He has been told so many times that he needs to take care of things and not wreck them on purpose. So what happens now? A part of me doesn't care if he gets new glasses or not, he won't take care of them anyway, so why should I bother? I know the problem is me me me. What I don't know is the solution. Everything I have done in my entire life has been a mistake. I hate myself so much I would like to take a knife and just keep stabbing and stabbing and stabbing myself, something that I won't do because, well I don't have what it takes to do that. There is no one to call and talk to. There is no help, there never has been and there never will be. When my kids were 3 years old and 10 months old, all three of us had the flu, we layed on the floor for three days, too sick to do anything. I asked for help and couldn't get any. When my youngest was two he hit his head and needed stitches, again I couldn't get help for one hour to take him to the hospital. Things are no different now. People will just be who they are and then spend the rest of their lives dragging my name through the mud when I can't take it any longer and something happens. Funny how people are like that, they don't have the goodness in their hearts to help but they are so quick to criticize and condemn others. Yes I got what I wanted, I wanted to be a Mom so now I am one and as they say. You wanted it. you do it, all on your own, all the time, till the day you die...
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