i think i was raped last night. no. i was. thats a first for me. hung out at frank's and drank a couple beers, good times, chris calls, he's getting off work in an hour so i hold off, sober up till i drive out there. i'm supposed to meet him at a bar, i don't know anything out there, its wisconsin, in the middle of nowhere, but i find the place, walk in and have a drink while i wait, meet some cool cats, for sure, i'm at that internet jukebox shit that a lotta dive bars have, picking out music with some guy whose totally down with what i listen to, i'm all talking music (which, as everyone knows, is my whole life), when he shows up, taps my shoulder, shoots a look at this guy, but whatever. i'm not worried. we have a few drinks, its all good. go back to his place and start messing around. sex is okay at first, everythings consentual, whatever.... i finish and he's not done but thats alright. it starts to hurt and i tell him "i'm almost there" he says. but its really hurting. "chris, stop." and he doesn't. "chris, this really hurts.... you're hurting me. stop." and he won't. i try to push him off of me and he pins my arms down above my head and just keeps going harder. i'm yelling, trying not to scream, crying my eyes out, begging him to stop but he just holds me down. at one point he lowers his chest down over my face so i'm screaming into his skin, i can't breathe. i don't know how long it goes on for, finally he climbs off me, reaches over to the nightstand while i'm curled up in the fetal position, bawling. he grabs my pack of cigarettes and lights one, reaches over to touch my back. "don't touch me." "megan...." i fish around on the floor for my clothes, turn on the light, he looks at my face. "megan...." i grab my purse, dig my keys out. "you're drunk, don't leave." but i stumble out the door, get in my car, start it and pull out on some random road. call rudy and when he answers all i can spit out is "rud..." i hear "mego-te-wego... its three thirty. whats wrong?" i can't even breathe, i can't see, i'm crying so hard. i'm trying to tell him what just happened. "all i heard is he held you down. who? where are you?" "i don't know." "i don't know what to do for you if you don't know where you are. just breathe. what do you see? pull over, i'm gonna come get you." "i don't know, i don't see anything... rudy...." finally i see a landmark i recognize. "okay" i say, i finally caught my breath but its shaking, my whole body's shaking. "jessica's here" (his new fuck, an old friend of mine), but just walk in. i finally get there, can't believe i made that drive alive. i walk in the front door and i see him in the doorway of his room, pulling on a shirt, i collapse onto the couch and just stare. he comes in front of me, kneels down and wraps his arms around me. i loose it again, bawling, all buggery about it, smearing my slobber all over his shirt. he just holds me and its just what i needed. i feel weight on the couch next to me and jessica's rubbing my arm, pulling my hair out of my face. i cry till i'm spent. "megan, you have to let me know where he lives" rudy says, rubbing the back of my head. "no, i don't care, you're not doing this." "well, then, you need to call the police." "i just want to forget it" "so, what? he can do this to some other girl. think about it... i love you. twin lakes isn't that big. i'll find him." "rudy, promise me you won't. don't make me regret telling you this." "fine, i won't, but someone else will. don't think i won't find him. you're family, you're my sister. i'm not letting anyone getting away with hurting you like this." "i'm just so tired. i need a shower. i need some towels." so i climb into the shower, stumble my way through getting washed up. walk out. "you want the couch or robert's room?" robert's his bro, he's out in iraq right now. "robert's room" i mutter. i lay down, rudy tucks me in and a minute later jessica walks in, climbs in next to me, puts her arm around me. "what happened?" she asks, pulling my wet hair back from my face and tying it up with a rubber band. i tell her everything, but i'm not crying. i'm all cried out. "oh my god. i'm so sorry that happened to you." "me too." "are you gonna be okay?" "yeah, nothing i can do now. it just sucks. asshole." "you're strong, you'll get through this." "i learn from you. i know. go to bed, girlie, its almost four, you gotta be up in a couple hours." "i'm gonna lay right here till you fall asleep." "thanks, girl, i love you." "i love you too." "i'm sorry." "fuck you." "i'll fuck your face" i giggle. "love you...." i wake up at ten, stumble my way to the bathroom, my eyes are swollen almost shut. go in rud's room to wake him up, think fuck it, and climb into bed with him. wake up at noon. he's still hassling me for this address. he knows i'm stubborn and i'm not talking. finally he puts his arms around me. "you hurting?" "yeah." "bad?" "its not so bad, i'm okay." i lie. i've been sore from sex before, but i've never really hurt inside, not even when i lost my virginity. nothing like that. it hurts to stand, hurts to sit, hurts to walk. i hide it well. i don't tell him about all the blood in my underwear. go home to shower, it hurts to wash myself, no matter how much i scrub i don't feel clean. i look in the mirror and i look like a zombie. change into clean clothes and go thrift shoppin with him. he keeps looking at me, i catch his eye, watching me walk and he puts his arm around me, i just lean my head on his shoulder for a minute. try to laugh about everything, i'm slap happy all day, just trying to distract myself. a couple times it gets quiet while we're driving and i cry a little, but neither of us says anything, he just rubs my shoulder, gives me a hug at the lights. i'm better now, still hurting, still crying a little, but i'm already used to the idea. thats fucked up.
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