Well, the move is complete. Im back at school now and its been a hard few days. Ive done m y best to surround myself with good friends and many activities to keep my mind focused on other things (trying to avoid thinking of the things that are currently causing me so much anxiety). It has worked a little; however, there is part of me that wishes I could just break down in front of one of my friends and tell them that I dont know how Im going to make it right now. This morning I thought about driving myself to the local hospital and talking to one of the nurses about a consultation with someone from their psychiatric unit. I had quite a big scare the other day when I was driving alone to pick up some things for school. This makes the 3rd time I have dealt with this and it quite frankly is very scary. Nothing seems worse than an emotionally unstable person driving a car feeling like all she has left to do is just, well you can figure it out. On and off over the last few days I have come very close to posing a potential danger to myself and its hard to admit that. I know my friends will just say oh you are just worried too much about school starting, chill out. However, its not so much that. I have been feeling like this for at least two months now and it has only gotten worse instead of better. I feel like I have to put on the front that Im wonderful, but really I feel like Im just going to snap. I feel like running from now, I just want to disappear tonight (not in the sense of dying, I dont want that I just mean getting out of this town away from everyone). After tomorrow there is no turning back, we meet our field instructors and the clock starts ticking down to graduation. However, I want little to do with it right now; I just want these terrible feelings to go away. I do not want my life to be ended because I cant control the impulse to be destructive. Ive come so far and yet I have no idea where the strength to finish this race is going to come from. I wont see a counselor for at least another week and a half if not longer. Im too afraid to let my friends know whats going on inside of me and Im way too scared to let my family know. I have no idea what to do right now, and maybe there is no advice to offer but I just dont know what to do right now.
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