Here is a bit about my story; I am a confused 36 year old man, my life (like many many people) has not been easy (I do not want it to be) but I have been through hell and back and back to hell.
One day when I was 4 years old I was in my living room in England I was looking at a great big painting that my parents had just bought and I saw a crane fly my parents used to call them "daddy long legs" I then remember seeing sitting in one of the living room armchairs what looked like a human woman or it could have been a man it was really hard to make a distintion, it had long dirty grey hair and its skin was the ugliest green I have ever seen. I looked over to the living room table and saw my family eating dinner together they almost had a glowing light over them, I screamed to try and get their attention but nothing came out, I expected this "person/demon" to attack me but they didn´t they grabbed me gently and pulled me down onto their lap I remember feeling a great sense of relief and I woke up the next day in my bed not remembering any of the previous day only this experience, this is the only time in my life where I can not remember the day before.
I told my parents and of course they put it down as a bad nightmare, I would do that myself if I was a parent, since then I have seen things in the dark, like tiny lights making the shapes of bad things, as I have grown up I have learnt to ignore the things that I can see and just pass them off as my imagination.
I remember feeling a strong sense of hate for my dad, he was a very strict man very tough I never saw any weakness at all from him and I have not seen anyone with his toughness since, but this toughness I didn´t like and I wished him dead many times, I hoped the ceiling would fall on him and kill him and I wanted him to stop hitting me. In july 1989 he developed lung cancer and in March 1990 when I was 8 years old he finally died, the guilt I have had since I still find really painful.
I had a very strong bond with my mother after and she would often break down and cry, we didnt have any other family it was only me, my older brother younger brother and my mum, she was almost like a broken woman I tried to help her as much as I could as an 8 year old boy.
When I was 11 I started cutting myself, I didnt know why I just did and I done it alot and I still have some scars.
I have alot more to say about my life but not much time to write about it now. I will update this message tomorrow.
My life got worse and I will share that soon.
So my depression is getting worse I actually hurt myself at work today after my boss told me the I sunk and need to learn want deodernt was, even tho I have told him that i have a clinical thing that makes me sweat more. And i have been having a panic attake all day so bad its hard to breath but im here Im alive I havent taken an entire bottle of pills like i wish so much that i could it would be...
To all who go to counseling. How long do you give your counselor a shot at helping you? I have been in, and out of counseling since I was 5 years old. So 25 almost 26 years. Just recently started re going to counseling only been 3 sessions, but I'm just not sure if he is the fit for me? Thought maybe someone could point me in the right direction please no rude comments. I know I ultimately have...