Laynie and Jax,
The idea of going to a hospital is scarier that actually being there. You need to just be honest to doctors,therapists,ect. You are causing more harm than good to your loved ones trying to deal with this on your own. Maybe the answer to feeling better is in the hospital. Laynie, your 12 year old probably does not understand all that is happening. Maybe if mom gets fixed so will the problems with you and the kids. Your child may just be scared and not know how to help. I went to the hospital a few years ago. I missed my kids and husband and home but I did learn much while I was there. Somehow, my worries of how will everyone make out with school, rides,ect all ironed itself out and they were fine. This will happen for you as well. If you feel that you need to be hospitalized and that you arent safe in your own skin...go and get the help you need. I wish you luck and alot of strength.

Do the horror stories include physical abuse, violence, overmedication or other abuse by staff? If so they should be reported to the state, such things are taken very seriously by most states. Also, have you considered looking for another facility? I lived in a rural area and there were five or six facilities that were within a two hour drive, so there may be other facilities where youd feel more comfortable.
In the meantime, have you sought out professional help? I dont recall, and I may easily have missed it, if you said you are in therapy. Some therapists will make themselves more available during a crisis, either by phone or extra sessions. There is a solution but sometimes we have to be proactive, and the only time we can is before we cross that invisible line that divides our ability to act positively and negatively. Whatever happens I hope you find some time for yourself, anyone needs a break once in a while or wed all be inpatients at some point. Take good care.

PS: Would you mind relating the story of your interaction with the cop and Social Worker? Also, did you mention the dreaded BPD diagnosis? I would recommend to anyone that they NOT tell providers that is their diagnosis when seeking emergency treatment, there is tremendous prejudice toward it in healthcare, both in psychiatry and general medicine. And the latter as most of us know is prejudiced toward ANY psychiatric diagnosis so it can be difficult to obtain proper treatment. But there IS hope, recently I worked in the ER and a patient came in complaining of a pulled groin muscle. When the medical doctor saw the patient he asked why the patient was in the psych area for a pulled muscle. I replied that it was because the patient is well known to us and is schizophrenic and currently psychotic. So, the attitude of medical doctors may be changing.

You are part of your home and being at home. So the answer in my opinion is NO you do not feel physically safe at home because you are at home, and you are uncomfortable in your own skin and mentally.

I was a single mother of four children for seven years. I never took care of me. In hind sight I could have. I had family, friends, church that would help. But my guilt,shame and pride stopped me.

If I had to do it over again, I would have taken better care of myself because the result would have far out weighed the times where I wasn't kind to my children, I was distant, and sometimes could barely get off the couch.

I would have rather taken the time away from them to go to in-treatment--than to have them see and grow through what they did with me because I wasn't treated. It is damaging.

Love them enough to take care of you. Believe you me, be honest with those you can lean on and have them take care of the appointments, drops and other girls.

We think that no one can do it as good as us, and that may or may not be true, but the truth is someone can do it. It may not be the same--but, it is only temporary.

And you will be surprised how your children will respond to the change. They want us happy. They want us to get better.

And, children are resilliant. especially if they are loved. Explain it in the simplest of terms--"mom, is not happy. She is not happy because she isn't feeling well. She might be sick. Nothing bad, but something she has to go to the doctor in order to heal. You want mom to feel good right? It hs nothing to do with you guys, and I will be back....you get the gist.

Well honey, I hope this helps in some way. Talk to me more if you need to...

Long story short a concerned friend called the police on me after I told her what I had done on Sunday. The guy got in my face and the walls for me went up. When he started yelling at me for waiting everyones time and going off on me I lied. I lied about what I took I lied about it being a suicidal thing.
When I got to the ER I was fully expecting my labs to blow my story but I kept the lie going. The social worker came in yelling about how he had to stay at the hospital and was saying do you know how many psyche people I have triaged this weekend. told me I was playing games and yeah I was because everyone was hitting me with an attitude and if you want to treat me like shit then game on lets see who can outsmart who. I guess this time I own they let me go.
Did I tell them the diagnosis....ALL Of them LOL I love to see the look of terror on their faces LOL

I kinda see where you are coming from laynie, i am there myself. i have, on about 4 known occacions, tried swalling down a lethal dose of various meds. i am only talking about the times that i was actually taken to the emergency room. each time, i have felt pretty patronized. the older i was, the more patronized i felt. i left each emergency room encounter feeling like saying so, you don't believe im serious, ill show ya. i was sent to a psych unit after each and felt not much better coming out than going in. forced meds helped ease issues a little, but if you stop right after you get out of the hospital then it does not work as well. my point is, if you don't want to get better for yourself and your family, say your safe, hide in your skin and don't get the help you need. i've done this one for years and it truly sucks and has landed me in a spot that i might not be able to climb out of at this point. but if you want to live for yourself and your family, get help. ignore the voices of pride and shame in your head and get help. if you had a broken arm, would you be too ashamed to get it set? probably not. this is no different a situation. if you want to start eleviating the pain, for real, get all of the help you can. demand it. it is yours to take. you owe it to yourself and you children. if you get help your kids might be less reluctant to seek help if they get to where you are and wont that be a relief for you?

Perhaps your friend told the police something different, but a professional shouldnt be yelling at you. I can understand how the police and the social worker might be frustrated with people lying to them, happens all the time and people usually deny being suicidal once theyre at the hospital. If you werent feeling so bad and didnt have so much on your plate Id recommend writing to the Chief of Police, the mayor and the CEO of the hospital to complain about your treatment.
I see it almost daily at work however, people who have obviously made a suicide attempt then later say it was a mistake or make up some unbelievable story thinking theyll be released. Few people understand the ambivalence that usually accompanies suicidal ideation and behavior but its usually there and causes people to lie about how they felt and are feeling. Theres one psychiatrist where I work who is good at seeing the truth but he is unfortunately the exception, most take the patients word for what they are experiencing unless there are other indications that the patient is minimizing.
Whatever the case I hope the next time you feel that way you find support, you might be able to access support by calling 211, you can look at 211.com to see if its available in your area. Its a free, confidential call and some 211 service centers also offer telephone support and counseling.

Hospital is not so bad if you need it. It soundslike you do. The first time i went in i was frightened but i soon came to realise that everyone there was just like me. People with problems, alot of who became friends.

Its best to go in on your terms and not invoulentary. If you dont feel safe, you are not safe. Does not mater how safe your home is.

For example, when i was on the super secure psych ward I found something to start cutting myself with. I was on 15 min watches at the time too.

Point being, even in safe enviroments you can stili harm yourself.

Please call for help. Crisis Intervention, 911, or what ever is in your area. It is worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!