I dont see the point in living much monger. Im only 20 but im very sure theres not much point in living very much longer (on a scale of days). Over the years I have seen my life change, sometimes for the positive (very rarely), mostly for the negative. Most importantly though, I find my quality of life gets worse and worse and worse. Memories of happier days, laughter, girlfriends, boyfriends, sexual adventures, drug and alcohol binges, bands, crime, constant marijuana and partying, hobbies, great music, new people, best friends, long lost brothers and more are constantly at a concious level. I constantly live in the past. The pain from knowing that these experiences will never be again is almost unbearable. What makes these times so special is the fact that these experiences were the only alternate to the daily depression, despair, anxiety, self-harm, suicide attempts, arrests, inappropriate touching and perversions that have been themes that have been with me since a child. Ive been on medications. Its fake. Its a band-aid and there is no substitute or realistic long-term alternative to being mentally healthy...Anyway, every day the longing for self-destruction gets bigger and bigger. Friends are changing, bonds are dissapearing, and worst of all im flowing in the wind. I find it harder and harder to talk to people who are the closest to me. Im getting therapy, been on and off medication, exercising, studying, using different herbal therapies, you name it ive done it. Pretty much the only thing i havent done is ECT i think its called. Im sick of it. Im fuckin sick of all of it (excuse the french). It hurts to see my parents watch their son degrade into an epmty, predictable, anxiety ridden kid who's shadow even barely reflects the boy he once was. I cant care about anyone. Its as if the love has been well and truly sucked out of my life forever. I cant even force myself to care, in any state. I cant take much more of it..years and years of it definetely takes its toll.
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