THE REPORT


We now take you to the Oval Office with President Bush and Condoleezza Rice)


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?


Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send
some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?

Omg, those were great!!! Too funny! I will try to contribute if I find something worth sending.

This is actually fairly accurate, and what it would look like if such a letter were written...


The Letter



FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

DEAR SIR / MADAM,

I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY
CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE
PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE
TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.

I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN
ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY
PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY
FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE
UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. (CIA)

IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING
ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A
FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE
SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH
SUBSIDIARY.

MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF
SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX
BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM
OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS
($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI
BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM
RESERVES.

MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE
PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS
COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER.

UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN
OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION
TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE
INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.

WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE
OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE
URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE.

OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING
VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN
ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL
COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS
DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER...

I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT
(10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE.
THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (IRS) WILL FUNCTION
AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE
FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.

I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND
WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A
BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT
THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN
THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER
DISCUSS THE MATTER.

I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE
FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS
BELOW.

SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,
GEORGE WALKER BUSH
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
president@whitehouse.gov

"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

--It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

--Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

--Wearing white is always appropriate.

--Winter is the best of the four seasons.

--It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

--There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

--We're all made up of mostly water.

--You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

--Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

--Avoid yellow snow.

--Don't get too much sun.

--It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

--It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

--Always put your best foot forward.

--There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

CLINTON / ELVIS / BILL GATES IN HEAVEN


I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around
the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We
went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest
beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95
years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering
every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this
awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of
sins, and now I'm chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we
met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to
another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the
first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number
of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as
penance."
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates
just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and
sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs,
and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other
like that.
The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a
number of sins..."

Don't Make a Nurse Angry


A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was
a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and
announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral
thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have
to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a
carnation anyway."

Yikes. I just realized the was a word I don't like in the CLINTON / ELVIS / BILL GATES IN HEAVEN joke. I only read it part way, before posting it. Talk about shooting myself in the foot!
It is really hard to find clean jokes.

thanks for the laugh. I enjoy reading the jokes. yes it's hard to find clean jokes. people tend to like garbage jokes

CONTROL ISSUES


Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking
about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Whoa! What happened next?", they asked, inching closer to hear what the third
man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, "Yep. I had
her on her knees. Until she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man!'"

clean jokes, what are those? i kid.

Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results


People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets
is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the
new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the
formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.

Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.

Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.

Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.

After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it
on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

"Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again."

LOL story of my life

I swear... I believe they would do this if they could get away with it.


STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more
consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits.

2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into
dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.

4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.

5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.

This is ROTFLMAO funny!


HELP WANTED


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short
time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program
that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

The post that I put up titled Cautionary Stamp was most especially w/ you in mind w/ your current issue. I have the uttermost respect for you & others w/ your same issue & for people of whom are just not interested. So that unsuspecting people would not enter unknowingly. Forgot to do so last night after it stopped.