Have not successfully killed myself yet... Plans were to blow my brains out lastnight and my DUMB ass took too many pain pills and ended passing out by the computer instead and getting really sick. Mouth or temple... When my mom killed herself she put the gun in her mouth and it looked like she suffered a little before she died... I just want it to be quick... I have suffered enough. Part of me wants to live to see my father die before i do because he is a sick bastard and i would get satisfaction out of spitting on his grave! The part that is TAKING ME OVER IS NOT WANTING TO BE HURT ANYMORE, THE FLASHBACKS, THE NIGHTMARES WHERE I WAKE UP SCREAMING, THE CONSTANT SHOWERING, PHONE CALLS, THE THREATS, AND HAVING THESE MEN DO THIS TO ME AGAIN AND AGAIN! I FEEL LIKE I A WHORE, I FEEL VIOLATED, DISGUSTING, I FEEL LIKE I CANT LIVE WITH MYSELF! THIS IS A VERY VERY HARD TIME OF YEAR WITHOUT ALL THIS OTHER SHIT GOING ON AND I JUST CANT! I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE!!! EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART!! I FEEL LIKE IM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK, I CANT STOP CRYING, I CANT BREATHE, MY HANDS ARE SHAKING SO BAD RIGHT NOW THAT I CANT EVEN KEEP THE DAMN GUN STILL!!!
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