during the last month of my moms life she didn't want to be alone (and dont blame her, if i was battling cancer and knew i was terminally ill, i wouldnt want to be alone either) - so we (my family) took shifts at nite, but that day - that Saturday nite was different she had struggled to breath all day. I went to work and bout 2pm i sat down in the front of the barn just cuz i had a really bad feeling, i dont know how long i sat there -- later that afternoon we were giving my mom morphine to slow her breathing cuz it was way too fast - my grandpa was on the phone w/ a vna nurse who was on her way to our house. when my sis ran in and said her breathing is slowing down - my grandpa went in - she died "holding" her dads hand. But she really couldnt hold it cuz she was basically a vegetable. i didn't know she was gone til he shut her door we hadn't done before - cuz we didn't leave her alone. i just erupted w/ emotion - i didnt stop that nite or the next day - then i pushed everything away -- till now. i held everything in for the first 6 months after her death now all the pain, agony, and anger are coming out in full force and i cant stop the feelings or the things that are happening.
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