I'm going through the worst time in my life, and a tough breakup as well. He's all I ever had . I've been depressed most of my life, and the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end was him. I haven't cut myself in 1 year and 3 months, neither have I attempted suicide. A lot of the reason that I haven't done so is because he held it over my head that if i hurt myself, he'd do the same to the same extent that I did. I've messed our relationship up so bad that I don't blame him for leaving. I feel like he wants to leave to save himself from me and what I've turned him into. It's hard to think about seeing someone save themselves from you, and wondering if he knows that to save himself, someone else might have to die. I know we are both constantly in a dark place... but I found it much more bearable when we were in a dark place together. I remember what it was like to be there alone, and I can't go back to that. When he moves out there won't be anyone there to stop me from myself, and there will be nothing held over my head not to do it. He want's to be in a better place and a in a better state of mind, and for that, I applaud him. He has always had a strength that I admired, I just wish I had that strength. I wish I could go to that sane place with him, but I can't. The only way he can be okay is to be away from me. I dont think i can make it through this alone, he gave my life reason.... that reason is leaving with him. I get to go back to being just me.... in a place in my mind that scares the shit out of me. I've gotta cut myself off from everyone in my life.. because this is what I do to people... i am toxic.
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