Yes but he doesn't help that really. However maybe it would do you good to grit your teeth and meet this person before all of this over-thinking turns her into some gigantic threat that only really exists in your mind. It'll drive you nuts. At least if you meet her you might set your mind at ease. It sounds as if he is afraid of your reaction and in going to extremes with this he's actually fuelling your fears. Maybe if you meet her you'll feel better, hard as it might be.

thanks arche, that was a quick reply. Very true though, I totally agree with you. I bring it on myself. I trust that he is trustworthy but just cant tell me anything because any little thing he says I find is an attack on me. 'He wants to be friends with this woman cos they must have been girlfriend/boyfriend. She got in touch and they are sharing good times. They are catching up and its all secretive.' Yep, I only have myself to blame. I doubt we'd meet now though as that was said last xmas when this card appeared through the door. All sorts has gone through my head as he said he cant tell me anything. I hope they havent met up without me without me knowing. If he can email secretly I'm worried he's already met her too. I dont want to ask as he'll think I'm going to start attacking him and it could turn nasty and I'll end up back at square one. Today I promised I am no longer a negative thinker ( have been all my life) and now I am positive and wont ever drag up the past. I made this problem I know. I am just going to start afresh as from today. I have so many times before but this time I dont want to let myself down.

Okay... if you have to ask, you already know the answer. You just don't like it. You could simply ask him what he gets out of the relationship with her that you aren't able to give him. I'd be sincere when I ask him.
A spouse, friend, lover, cannot provide 100% of everything their partner needs or wants.

thanks msg, I know nothings going on...its just the overthinking. I know people need friends..I overthink and always think something that isnt! I am desperately trying to change :)

Well he shouldn't be so secretive either really stuff like that does plant suspicions in your mind but you know I think if you put this issue to rest everything will begin in part at least to smooth itself out :)

Since the others have already said more than I can on the subject, I'll just give you some advice. Try taking something for stress. I've found GABA helps alot. You can get it at health food stores.

Communication is the key. Trust, honesty.

Journaling always helps me get my thoughts together. Like, what is it that is making me react to this? A past hurt that you have not completlely healed? Just start writing until the answers or clarity come. Get the thoughts out of you head, write it all out, then delete it, burn it, whatever, but release it. Helps me.........Bless you, sorry you are in such pain.

No matter how much you think, does not matter or excuse his behavior. As long as he is not completely honest with you and not totally accountable with what he says and does with her, he is breeching your relationship....he should not say or write anything to her he would not let you read...and I am sure he would feel the same way if you were doing the same thing with an old friend of yours.

You said he has held back from you because it will come back in his face - so that has to do with how you react to things, not how much you are thinking about them.

And, he definitely sounds like he is using that as an excuse to hide things he shouldn't be doing - and wouldn't like you doing with someone else.

If he is not having a physical affair, it does sound like he is having an emotional one.

If you two BOTH want to stay together, you should see a therapist together. If EITHER ONE one of you doesn't want to stay together, you should think about a seperation, to think it over.

Otherwise, your relationship will inevitably deteriorate the way it is going, and ultimately be destroyed anyway.

I did say to him once that it would be a lot fairer if he didnt use his email account but rather use one that I could actually see the emails. But then his answer to this was 'you either trust me or you dont' so this never happened and the emails have continued ever since without me seeing them. I do kind of see his point as he tells he I should trust him and last week he said (actually after a row about some other thing that upset me about 7 years ago!!) that he would not do anything that would hurt me. So, now that I am trying to take a positive approach on this am I right to just trust him like he says I should?
Because of overthinking he was very honest yesterday and told me that because of the way I behave he hid an invite to a wedding of two work friends of his from me as he knew I would create! Is he just trying to protect me by not telling me stuff anymore? I am starting to believe this is the case. Does anyone else have problems with such low insecurity that if your partner even so much as mentions someones name it makes you start thinking that you are not good enough for them and you must be lacking somewhere because they need other people too? Thanks for your replies guys. I really need help to get over this overthinking once and for all and share stuff with you all so I know that I am not the only overthinker on the planet. By the way, I have no friends because I feel this would be wrong as I should be totally trusting toward him. Plus its a confidence thing so all these problems dont really help me out much.