I worked a 12hr shift last night. I came home and met a friend to go work out. I was excited util he stated he wanted to sleep and wait until later in the day. My girlfriend has put some distance between us for the last couple of days. I felt bad, but thought I would go ahead and go to bed. Within a half an hour she called me. She had gotten off of work, I had turned my phone off but couldn't stand it so I turned it back on. She talked for a minute and said she was going to take a nap. I know she wanted me to ask her over, but I felt insecure. I couldn't go back to sleep so I drank some beers and a little vodka. Now it has been a few hours and I have cried, felt anger, confusion, and now I don't know what to feel. I miss my children and my family. It's only been a couple of months and I have at least 10 more months to go. I can't help but feel sadness. I wanted to change things, but I can't. Every few days to a week I have a couple of days of pure sadness. I can't quit it's like an addiction to a hard drug. What do you do when you run out of tears and still want to cry? I push people away even though I want them near me. I can't do it though. I just can't let someone in that close. I have dealt with things by myself for so long. I can't let someone in. They can't handle this anyhow. I tried to change so many times. I thought this time might have been different.
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