Hey Everyone...just still feeling B A D and cant figure out why. I am ready to just scream. I havent dealt with depression like this my whole life, but it has creeped in the last few years, and taken over. Its so easy for people to say snap out of it, smile and pretend, it will work! Or whats so wrong?? Hell if I knew Id do backflips all the way to the docs door and tell her Im cured. My therapist feels like I go to my daughters grave too much, I feel like I dont go enough...I know my ex does not go and pay his respects. Maybe he feels like he doesnt need to like I do. Its just so aggravating. I feel like Ive been on a merry go round for the past 4 years and Im ready to get off but its still spinning. I remember the days when I used to smile and laugh. I had friends. I used to highlight my hair and wear makeup and get my nails done, just for fun. Now I dont even know how to make a friend. Im so shy I cant look people in the face when they speak to me. My self confidence is so shattered that its hard for me to spend money on myself because I was told that all I did was spend money on bulls*it that would never make me look better. I dont want to always be the \"victim\", but its so hard to regain myself esteem, to feel worthy. I dont know how to get it back?? I go to work, come home, and just sit in my room or color with my 4 yr old nephew. Thats my day, unless its time for a session with therapist then Im counting down the minutes. She lifts me up, atleast for the hour I am there. I want to wake up one morning and not think of Steve, or Jayden, or cutting, and I want to do the things I used to do, all by myself. I dont want to panic, or start crying and drive straight to the cemetery. I dont want to take medication. I want to be normal. Happy. How??
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