I was recently diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, traumatic stress, ocd. I have had a rough two years. I have been seperated off and on for two years and had a boyfriend as well. I have gone through three miscarriages with my now ex boyfriend and am now staying with my husband as friends. My marriage seperated two years ago because of my anxiety and depression. I was alone with no friends or family and my husband was never there for me. He would tell me to just get over it. So now after two years of back and forth I sit here. I have started meds yesterday. Leapro and adtivan. The problem is that I have been through so much. I have cried screamed and begged and no one can hear me. I have no support. I lost my friends thankx to a controlling byfriend and my husband is cold calus and mean. Thats when hes actually talking to me. Last night I started to get anxious after I read all the warnings on suicide on my meds. I have been thinking and planning my own. I wanted to get help with the counceling and meds to stop it but the meds scare me. I ended up having an aniety attack and had to take two ativan with the lexapro. I gave my husband the blades to a razor I had dismantled and told him to hold on to the majority of my pills. I am so scared that I will do it. He started getting nasty with the well it looks like you have a big problem so lets go to the hospital. I was like for what so I can tell another stranger about my failed life. and that I want to die. He started lecturing me sternly about how maybe he shoud put me in a thirty day program in the hospital. and how I need to help myself. I started going to counceling and my doctor for meds in the previous few days!!!! How was I not helping myself? He didnt help. I kept saying your being stern or mean is not helping! I want to scream I need a hug or comfort! But I am convinced he is repulsed by me and wont touch me. After everything how can I blame him. I woke up with the samw thoughts and al I can think is that everyone would be better off and so would I. I justt feel like I am being tortured and I want to end it.
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