So where do I begin? I'm 17 years old and I live in California. I have 4 siblings. About 8 months ago I left school full time and became an indepepndent study student. I only go to school for about two or three hours a day once a week. The reason I left school was because I was very depressed and still am. I had a wonderful best friend. Had being the keyword. We've just been drifting apart more and more each day. Sucks but we are both going through some shit right now. I try and be there for her as much as I can be but we dont see ech other anymore. We only communicate through myspace. As I do with most of my friends. I'm supposed to go back to school next year to finish off my senior year at my regular high school. I'm so confused though. I dont know wether to go back or not. I mean whats the point? Everyday I was there was fucking shitty for me. Most of the time. I'm poor so I had the same stuff alot of the time and it became obvious. I never had money but I do have plastic and I tell people that the reason why I dont have any cash ever is because it is all in the bank. I try and cover up my financial situation. None of my friends have ever been over to my house because of this. I dont have a room. Me and my older brother sleep in the living room on the sofas. I dont really have much. So I am kind of embarrassed to go back to school. My dad is a stroke vicitm. He had a stroke about three years ago. It's been hard on us. My mother cant work because she stays home and cares for my father. We used to own a business, but as my fathers health went so did our financal stability. I'm an idiot. Not intelectually but emotionally. I try to avoid my dad because seeing him just makes me want to cry. I cant help it. I'm still as sad as the first day it happened. He doesn't remember my name or much really. I sleep alot because when I sleep I'm not living this piece of shit life. I'm in a fantasy world. Sometimes living a lie is easier than living your life. I'm gay. My friends know but no one in my family does. I want to tell them but sometimes I just think its easier if I keep it to my self. I'm still learning to be me. No one really knows the real me but then again who really knows another person. I mean we all have secrets. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I'm stupid. I should focus on school and hopefully can improve our situation. But I just cant. Most of the time I feel like shit. I honestly cant recall the last time I was truly happy. Something has always been wrong and yes of course there would be something wrong. I mean we are only human. We are not perfect. it would be silly to think that another is perfect. We all make mistakes but still I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I know I need therapy but I dont want to put anymore stress on me. It's hard enough just being me without having to know that everyone knows how fucked up I am. I honestly dont see a point to life. We go to school work and die? I dont see the reason for living. I would never hurt myself. Dont think I would. That would cause too much pain for those around me and we have enough pain in our hearts already. I just want my death to come so I can finally have some peace. I just wanna rest in my final resting place. I dont show it though. I appear to be a very happy person to the world. I am not. At all. Sometimes it obvious that something is wrong but I hide it very well. Honestly there is nothing anyone can do to help me. Though my heart beats I'm already dead inside. Just want to make those around me happy before I leave. No one can ever know what I feel. Ever. It would be too painful. I know with out sharing my feelings I cant get help, but if it means other people get to be happy through me being miserable then so be it. Thank you for reading.
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