hi guys i'm feeling very very low ,have been for a few weeks now.i get bad mood swings and get really scared.ok here it is in a nutshell my partner is there for me sometimes and last night told me she was picking up extra shifts just to get away from me.,can't tell you guys how that made me feel.i can't take talk to her no more i eel although i'm just putting my worries on her and also i fear the response i'll get.
why does she ask me to open up then offers me no support if i do.i told her that i wasn't looking forward to the 31st of this month cos it is the anniversary of a very close friends death who took her own life,she more or less told me to get over it as it happened years ago.(1995)and how she has to deal with her nans death every dec(she died bout 6 years ago).i was going to go on and tell her why i was worried but after i heard the coldest in her manner i just shut up.also two weeks after the 31st on the 13th november it is the anniversary of my ex g/f's death who was killed in a accident (1985)then the next day is the anniversary of another close froiend who was also killed in an accident i was in aswell(2000).yet my g/f thinks i should be over it all.usually i can handle things but over the past few weeks i have been feeling suicidal,at one point i ended up at the hospital seeing an emercancy doctor.my mind isn't thinking straight.i need my g/f more than ever.my close friend who took her life did it because she was in so much pain from an illness,of course i tried to talk her out of it.we even discussed a suicide pact but then she said it wasn't fair on me to follow her.but i would know when the time was right.i never really fully understood her words back then but now i am beginning to understand.
thats what is frightening me and what i can't talk to my g/f about.the only thing i told her was i wasn't looking forward to the 31st and after hearing her reaction like i said i just shut up.so i kinda gotta deal with this myself.
she has already said she is going to some meeting at the village hall about a travellers site(people who live in caravans in uk )because it's being built near us and the local villagers don't want it.so i guess that is more important to her than staying home to support me.i'm not even going to ask her not to go as i know she will refuse my request.
so what can i do i am frightened that things will happen like a few weeks ago i will her a voice telling me i'm going to kill myself i managed to fight against that because at the time i didn't have suicidal feelings that night.but now at this bad time i'm just so frightened.what can i do?