I think I am going to kill myself. Ive thought about it before, but this time feels different. This time I feel I don't have any other options. My husband is taking this job where he will only be home 4-8 days a month. Starts beginning of January. I can't live by myself. I can't and I won't. Im so fucking lonely and my friend can't move in here because she has her own shit to deal with. No one can just drop there lives to come live with me. I certainly don't have anyone to stay with. I have nothing to live or breathe for. He was the only thing. Now he will be gone. I can't drive, I can't leave my house. I won't be able to visit friends or family and we all know they won't come see me. I can't see my therapist anymore because I can't drive a car to go see her while Robby is gone forever. Im so dependant on him...I can't live on my own for weeks at a time. Who will be there to protect me when my mood changes. I can't do this. I can't get through the holidays pretending that in a few weeks my life will still be ok. Im not going to lie to myself or anyone else. Im sooooooo alone. I just want to be around people. I just want people to talk to..just to watch tv with...and cook meals with. I have no one. I had Robby two boxes of sleeping pills..I said I just couldn't sleep and that we might as well stock up. If I take them all I don't have a chance to pull through. Ill make sure he is out of the house so he doesn't see me getting sick and try getting me help. I might have to wait till this weekend when he leaves to see his parents. Im sorry...you all think Im weak. Trying to live on my own..with these monsters in my head...and no one to tell me ill be ok or hold me when Im scared. Thats not a place I want to be. Im sorry. Im done.
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