im tired of waking up in the middle of the night because i have the same nightmare over and over. i keep seeing myself and the end of my bed with my dads gun in my mouth. i think to myself that ill wake up before i pull the trigger and that it will be over. but i stay alseep. and i pull the trigger and my parents come down to my room to find me and they see the note i wrote to the whole world. letting them know why i did it. it said i was sorry for not being there for my mom when she needed me. i was sorry for not being the daugther my dad always wanted. and the ideal sister to my brother. and that i tried hard to be happy and be there for all my friends but i couldent take it anymore. i couldent take trying to help my friends with their problems when i have problems that they dont even know about to deal with. my friends always come to me with their problems because i listen and i do my best to help and it makes me feel terrible when i igrone their IM's talking about how their boyfriends didnt call them. Im afraid that one night it might not be a dream but real life. part of me wants to get help but im afraid of what will happen. if my friends will act all different because i try to kill myself. i dont want to know what it feels like to stop cutting. ive done it for so long now. i dont want to go back to sleep.
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