Hi there,

I have joined this community in hopes of finding help, or just some advice on how to deal with things.

I think I have always been depressed in some way shape or form. I am 24 years, I have a 7 years old son who will be 8 before I am 25. I love my son alot.His father left me while I was pregnant and has been a deadbeat since.
My mother has bipolar disorder, and i have had to deal with her highs and lows all my life. My father physically abused me as a child and is kinda emotionally distant. He cheated on my mother and left her when I was 11. I moved in with my father when I was 13 because my mother was to unstable to raise me and my sister .

I mean I love them but I feel like it it their fault I am the way I am today.

I am currently and have been feeling very depressed for almost 9 months. It is not subsiding. Sometimes it is really bad.

My current situation is dreadful. I started dating Kyle in March of 2003. We were so great together and we loved one another and he was a great father figure for my son and my son truely adored him. It was very nice. We moved in together in July of 2004. Our relationship remained great for a while after, but after almost a year of living together things started to change. We moved out of our apartment into a downstairs of a house in July of 2005. Our relationship was strained and we didnt spend much quality time together. I rescue lots of animals and had been bringing them home, and while Kyle loved them he didnt really care for cleaning the messes and often we fought over that. We had too many and he would constantly get on me about it, and while I understood his pov, I resented him for getting mad at me and fighting with me about it. We fought alot and we stopped having sex for months. Our relationship ended up being like friends instead of a couple. I still loved him though and he loved me. I started feeling so lonely and depressed.I would put alot of the burden on him, cleaning, having him do my sons homework...I just felt so energeyless.

I made the hugest mistake of my life though. There was a co-worker at my job who was fun to be around and we started connecting on a friendship level in Jan. of 2006. I started confiding to him all of my problems and he liked me. I started talking with and and occasionally hanging out with him without my boyfriends knowledge. I actually felt like someone cared and I was caught by my boyfriend. He found a letter I had wrote him. I never physically cheated on him, but it was close enough I guess by emotionally connecting to someone else. Kyle moved out of our home on April 21, 2006 and I have been a wreck since. I started dating the other guy soon after because I couldnt bare the pain of being alone and I needed something to occupy my life.
It is now december 26, 2006 and I am still thinking about my ex day and night. I miss him like crazy and I want him back but he is very distant with me. We occasionally email one another but he rarely writes back and when he does he avoids answering anything I have asked pertaining to see him or about us. I have saw him only about 3 times since he moved out and I cried like a baby each time. He says he just doesnt think he could be with me again. I want to prove to him that I have changed and how sorry I am but I feel so hopeless.
I cry often over him and I feel so horrible for all the things I did and how I ruined our relationship over my stupidity. I ruined our family. I loved his family alot, and my family loved him. Why did I do such a stupid thing!!!??

This has had me feeling so horrible for so long. I want him back but I dont know how to. He was a really good person, and I ruined it.