Hi, my name is Dave; Im 39-years old who has been in a major depression for about 3-months. Its not my first bout with major depression; Ive been battling with it for many years & Im in treatment. I think that I know what triggers me to go into a deep depression, but each time I fool myself thinking that I can handle myself & the situation differently; the last couple of times I only emotionally end up in the tank.

Aside from suffering major depression I also have a physical disability, Cerebral Palsy that has been uncommonly progressing within the last 6-years. I have no use of any of my 4-limbs; I use a head-pointer to type & to use a touch screen on my laptop. Doctors believe that I may also be suffering from some other neurological condition that no one can diagnose. Its not my physical declination which as me all depressed, but I get bored & isolated sitting at home.

Although Ive gone to college for a little bit & everybody suggests for me to return, but I simply never had the desire & motivation in going even when I was briefly attending college. It may be a weak excuse, but I dont enjoy reading & forget about studying I just can never focus & my mind wonders. I believe that I know what my emotional issue is & no matter how many times it has occurred & caused me horrific pain I still let myself fall. This may sound very elementary, but no matter where I go theres usually some female (non-physically disabled) who I develop an overwhelming attraction towards which usually turns into a serious obsession. In some ways Im not stupid because I always know & tell myself from day one that the female is not interested in me as I may be & is unavailable. Sometimes I try to hide my feelings & keep them all closed in, but we all know that eventually they blow up. Other times I try just to be friends with the female which is great at first, but then after a while I seem to find myself craving for more & more of their attention from them that just isnt there & sometimes I sense them starting to back away. I NEVER disrespected nor behaved inappropriate towards any of the females; I guess that Im just guilty of always wearing my emotions on my sleeves & they detect it. Do I peruse after them, I honestly dont mean to, I dont intend to, but when Im around them I become more obsess & crave for their attentiveness.

Currently I attend an adult day program just to get myself out of / away from my parents, but I havent gone for a few weeks. The program is mostly elderly folks with Alzheimers or other related conditions, but the personal care there is unspeakable. I did attend at another day program for folks with Cerebral Palsy, but CP is such broad term/category; I just became bored, wanted a change, & didnt care for how some of the other clients (not me) were being treated. Well for the first few months at the new program things were great, but I slowly notice my moods slipping down feeling empty. Meanwhile a new staff member, Lorraine was hire for activities & everyday I felt my emotions gravitating towards her. Lorraine was different than much of the other staff, kind of quiet, secluded, & low-keyed which form some reasons seems to find attractive. Lorraine is married, is the opposite race than I, she has 2-daughters who supposeily are in there early 20s. Lorraine doesnt tell anyone her age, but that shes in her early forty. Because Lorraine is a good-hearted Christian & is oh so heavily into the Bible, I dont want to call her dishonest, but Lorraine truly looks (& in having many conversations with her) like shes more in her early 30s.

When it comes to religion/Christianity & the Bible I claim complete ignorance! Well, because I was so interested in Lorraine I shared to her my feeling I felt towards her, but I ALWAYS respected that she was married. Even if Lorraine was completely single I wouldnt expect her to be interested in me, but the trouble is that it doesnt change my feelings! Well, she started reading me the Bible & teaching me all about Christianity & it just filled me up inside it was like a high. I still dont exactly know what all had happened, Lorraine told me that I was her friend & that if she felt me pressuring her or clinging to her too much that she herself would come to me. Well, this one day I happened to be in her exercise group, I thought that she was shunning me out & I kept trying to get her attention.

The following day I stayed home because my gut told me that something bad was coming down & it turns out that Lorraine reported me as being disrupted during group. I disagreed, but because Im such an open & honest person the program knew that I liked Lorraine. I went into a major depression, took a month off from the program, & sought treatment.

When I return back to the program immediately I was told no more 1-on-1 time with Lorraine, I wouldnt be in any of her groups, but that she wasnt going to ignore me either. With the help of medication I was able to manage going to the program for about a month, some days Lorraine seem to be attentive towards me, yet other days she wasnt causing me to sink back down into a depression again. Im not saying that its Lorraines fault by no means! And the Center/program consists of on average 38-clients & we are all in one big room, so I cant avoid her.

I always told Lorraine & myself that I would wait until Lorraine came over to me & on some days Lorraine would, yet other days I would get nothing from her. Foolishly & out of desperation I asked (or told) Lorraine that if only she would spend just 5-minutes each day with me & how that would just lift up my spirits. I dont know why, for those of you who might believe in God maybe only God knows why Lorraine touches me emotionally as she does. When I told this to Lorraine I really thought that she understood & was will; Lorraine even commented to me how talking to clients part of her job which it is was in fact.

The following 2-days Lorraine I felt kind of kept her distance from me which hurt, but was ok. Until I overheard Lorraine ask another staff member to take me out to my bus because Lorraine said that she didnt want to & that just crushed me like no one can ever imagine. When I emailed someone in charge at the program about what happened I truly WAS NOT trying to get Lorraine into trouble honestly! I just want them to know how hurtful that was; am I all alone in how I felt. It turns out that the program claims that Im just trying to monopolize all of Lorraines time which I just highly dispute! Im bored here at home, but right now its just too stressful, for m to go to the programI dont understand & have a hard time trusting anyone there.

Im sorry for being so lengthy. Im not looking for anyones pity & Im sure that many may see this situation from Lorraines side or the programs side. I just dont understand & dont see myself asking for a whole lot.

Any correspondence or friendship is welcome & thanks for listening.