........ is shit. 9 years they have told that i have depression, now they hit me with borderline personality disorder. well i read up on it and it sucks. they come across as really horrible people. from what i read i concluded that the medical profession do not have anytime for them. god, what chance do i have. granted, when i read it, it did sound like me. so i must be horrible. the whole thing makes me want to close off from my doc and social worker because i now know what they think of me. i really would be better off dead. i cant live with me anymore. my thoughts oabout myself have been confirmed. doc told me that the only way to remove the threat of suicide would be to keep me in hospital forever and that wasnt pratical. does this mean he thinks its ok to die. i was scared to ask him that question. should i? how did i get here. i was a nice little girl. i think. maybe i was bad and just cant remember. am i talking rubbish. perhaps. ive had two bottles of wine. didnt really make me feel any better. i want to take all the paracetamol. should i. i cant stay here if i do. have to be alone away far. for about 5 days i think. it will be a lonely death. but surely there is better than this on the other side. is ther another side. will i be punished for killing myself. will that be worse than living this terrible life. surely god(if there is one) wouldnt want me to be unhappy. im so confused. HOWDID I GET HERE. please help me, i think but im not sure.
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