Thats how I feel right now, never good enough. These really low days are taking their toll on my mental state. I feel okay for a little and then I am just all edgy again. Today I went out with my mom for lunch and we ran into an old friend of the families and she was telling us how her sister put on all this weight and now weighed a specific amount and my mom sat there and started making fun of her and saying oh I cant believe how huge she is now and I nearly started crying right then and there because I nearly weigh the same amount that was being made fun of. Keep in mind Im not a huge person but Im not as small as I use to be, yet Im still in good shape and getting exercise and trying to stay healthy. It crushed me to watch my mom make fun of her because if felt like she was just making fun of me right along with it. Between her and my father Im lucky that Ive not just gone over the deep end with how judgmental they both are. Im probably frowned upon today because I opted to not go kayaking and stay home to do my homework for college, so now I look like a lazy bum in my fathers eyes. I cant take much more of the judgmental attitudes. I am hard enough on myself; I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being hard on me. Thats how Ive formed all of these really destructive habits because when I feel like Im not good enough or that I could have done better I always seem to find a way to punish myself. Thats why this stuff just gets so scary for me because the more stressed I feel about school and the more buttons my parents push the more I feel like Im going to end up putting myself in danger. The other day when I was driving home all I could think about was just running my car into a telephone pole, I did not want to kill myself, but thats all I could think about. I actually had to pull off the road and sit in a parking lot for a while until I could regain myself and then just keep driving home. I tried to call a hotline number when I was sitting there but I could not remember what it was. I just dont know what to do anymore, this is getting to nearly be too much for me. Im already getting counseling, what more can I do? I cant go back to college like this for my final semester. Ill snap as soon as the pressure of classes starts up. I just dont know what to do with myself right now.
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