Ok, this might be a long one but here goes. Right now I have insomnia frequently, my job is suffering, I am not eating right, I am driving my friends crazy, I am neglecting my relationships and not being at cause in my own life. The trigger is a recent dating experience that at present moment is not "over" per se, but put on .......I don't know what it is. I started dating this guy in March. We have a really great psychological, spiritual and emotional connection. He was up front about his rough previous year. Mother diagnosed with cancer, bad break up (younger woman with her own childhood issues playing out in the present so she continues to lash out and cry for help by calling him and telling him all the horrible things she's doing to herself to gain his support (?) love (?) ) and he is a practitioner of Buddhism in which he is having confusing issues with a couple of his fellow students and his teacher in that they're shunning him (in his perception) and it's hurting him. He indicated he had a sexual block of sorts but that he was really attracted to me physically and really looked forward to the year ahead and growth and positive change. At first things were great. The ex wasn't calling at that point, the teacher issues weren't there, and well, his mom still had cancer but nothing has changed there. He would always call me, we would always make plans with one another, there was a genuine reciprocity and we started to get closer. We live in different cities so communication is vital. At one point in time there was a 360 shift. I would call him and he wouldn't call me back for a week at a time. He didn't make effort or show reciprocity. But he always ended up calling me and coming out here or letting me go visit him and still expressing interest like holding me, kissing me, holding my hand, being a gentleman and showing that he did like me and want me to be his girlfriend. In the back of my head, I knew something was going on with him but my past experiences blocked me from communicating because in the past when this behavior emerges the man has lost interest and doesn't know how to tell me or waits for me to get frustrated and break it off. Finally we had a talk and everything came out and apparently I was right, all of his personal issues, we he completely told me everything, were really messing with his head and he was having trouble even getting out of bed. His work has been his solace and other than that he doesn't really have many people to talk to. I told him I understood but that we started something and then poof it all just changed one day and had he clued me in on what was going on I might not have been so hurt or confused. We said more to each other than that and he really means a lot to me and I mean a lot to him and he basically just said he is not a very good lover right now. This calmed me a bit, I was able to step back and see the bigger picture. We continue to speak. This is where I start learning about myself. My only other relationship experience has been a co-dependent one. That word cropped back up here and I read a book about it and it all started cascading. I "think" I exhibit co-dependent behavior. I've nipped it in the bud in relation to this guy, meaning, I tell him I am a support for him but that I cannot "fix" him or make him whole, only he can do that. BUT all the other co-dependency issues are still there. I have poor communication skills. I never tell him how I am feeling because not that I don't think my feelings are valid but I feel that they are lower on the totem pole than what he is dealing with. But I'm confused and I let my mind go and get anxiety over the future. He's expressed he is going to seek therapy and I think that's great. But I'm not sure what I should be doing? (Another common co-dependency trait) Should I cut it off, which I don't want to because he is important to me, should I tell him how I feel, what do I feel, will this fizzle like any other relationship I've tried to start. I really see something wonderful in this man, something I haven't seen in any of my 32 years. I know it's cliche and naive but I could see myself with this man for a long time. But when he's healthy and I'm healthy. Some days are better than others. Some days I'm calm, and in the present and not thinking about the past and the future and just living my life out like it's supposed to. Other days I am full of anxiety, wondering if I should be speaking up for myself and expressing my needs and wants and desires (even if they can't be met right now) and telling him the s**t that I am experiencing about myself because I just put on this front like I am ok and my life is fine. But it's not. And yes, this goes deeper than this one particular man. It seeps into my career which I've been at my job for eleven years not because it's awesome but because I've always had trouble with personal growth and making decisions and I realize all of this has to do with the same things. I want to be healthy with my own mind, I want healthy meaningful relationships, the ability to make choices that create growth and I want to do what's right for me and this man in my life that we both care deeply for each other and I think we're actually both in the same mental masturbation just different things are causing us the same kinds of ineffectiveness in our lives. I'm not sure that he's as aware of his negative mental habits or where they stem from, I'm kind of like a get to the bottom of things kind of person so naturally I started researching my own psychosis or whatever you want to call it. But I don't think it's my place to suggest to him what his issues might be. I think he should figure them out on his own. Bottom line, what about me? I want to open up to him so there is a "realness" to our communications and interaction but I'm not sure that is the best course of action. It is tearing me up that we cannot continue this wonderful thing we started. Please help?
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