I usually don't post a lot of topics. However, I don't know what's up with me lately. I feel so pessimistic and...perhaps, even needy. I guess I am desperate to explore every possible option to feel better after 6 years of this. However, I am drained after my long, tiring day. I decided to get out and do something to try and feel better, so I went to the mall with two friends. It was nice to see them at first after a long while, but frankly I quickly got tired of it and wanted to isolate myself. I pulled through, though. I know I have strong willpower, and that is one of the few things that I actually like about myself. One of the negative thoughts that is taking over is I can't get over how fat I am. I kept seeing myself in the windows at the mall, and it seemed to hit me more than it has in a long time how obese I actually am. I fear I'm going to slip into anorexia again which isn't good because I know I'll easily pass out in the 105 degrees Fahrenheit Texas weather. Yet, these thoughts are so consuming that I think I may start up again. I couldn't force myself to eat anything today besides two small pieces of orange chicken. My parents are calling me for dinner, but I can't push myself to go eat. I don't know. Another thought that is consuming me is that my 'plan' is starting to seem even more like a better idea. However, I know I won't go through with it; I can't bear to put my loved ones through any pain. I don't want to live a long life, but I will push through long enough until my closest loved ones are gone. It is a top priority of mine to hurt others as little as possible, and I have it all planned out in order to hurt them extremely little. I want to live a short life. There are many more negative, hopeless thoughts on my mind, but these are the most prominent. I don't want to go on forever talking about these thoughts. This topic is already too long as it is, and I'm sure everyone who's reading this doesn't want to hear it all. My psychologist told me that I should journal in order to validate my feelings, even if they are negative. However, this is better than writing it down in a notebook because people can reply and give me advice on how to deal with this. I don't know if writing topics will become a regular activity because of this, and if it does I hope that it won't bother anyone. I'm going to try and end this topic on a positive note. Good news: I start an MAOI patch on Sunday. It's something I haven't tried yet, and I'm hoping that it will work. However, I know not to set my expectations too high because that leaves room for disappointment. But, there is a little hope, and that's good! Thank you, everyone
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??