This is my first post for myself, Ive responded to others but havent felt comfortable posting what Im feeling. Im still not comfortable but am being driven past it by what is threatening to be overwhelming desperation. Im thinking about suicide more and more lately, I always have a plan, its not difficult to formulate one, particularly since Ive made serious attempts in the past. I often hear that if someone is determined no one can stop them, and know that some people suicide while in a safe place, i.e. as an inpatient in a hospital but that doesnt prove that its not preventable. It is a matter of timing more than anything else because there is no accurate way to predict who will try or when.

How easily I get off on a tangent, sidestepping my feelings. I guess its not so surprising because I was taught at an early age to suppress my emotions. I dont believe that it is possible to talk, cry or otherwise evacuate the memories and emotions that accompany them to the point where I will ever be free. I think that about sums it up, Ive tried so many times but there is just so much that it seems impossible. I feel that I could talk about it for decades and still not address it all. I dont know why some people are so afflicted by life, or why some are able to lift themselves up and overcome their afflictions, regardless of what form they take. Ive heard of the woman who went from the streets to Harvard and others who have overcome what seemed impossible odds and built a life that apparently brings them if not peace at least contentment and often pride. They are as we all know the exceptions, perhaps they are the emotional geniuses among us, and while my IQ places me at the first rung of the intellectual group it does nothing for me emotionally. In fact, I think it makes it more difficult.

Well, thats enough, I have succeeded in taking the edge off for the moment and feel that I can go to work and do what I need to do if not exceptionally at least competently. Thanks for reading.