so about a year ago, i did smoked weed and it's screwed me up for life and i have only myself to blame. my thoughts just race. some are just totally crazy and messed up like sometimes i feel like i'm floating and it scares me. and i've been so depressed. my mother abandoned me. just told me she didn't wanna have anything to do with me until i become happy again. and that made it even worse. i'm on a whole bunch of medication. i'm held back from doing so many things i used to do before because of my disorder. ptsd. and it really sucks. i can't sleep at night because my thoughts go nuts. and i start getting scary feelings. my parents just yell at me all the time because i'm not doing what they want me to do. i'm 18 years old and don't have my license. i can't get a job because i have to wait until i get all better. this is just holding me back. i twenty four seven feel like life isn't worth living. the fact that my mother told me a million times that i was a mistake makes me feel like i shouldn't be on this planet. that i don't deserve to be here. i have an amazing boyfriend who understands all this and tries to help, but nothing cures this sick sadness and like tugging feeling i have deep within me. i cry all the time. and idk. i just feel like dying all the time. i just don't wanna do this anymore. i feel like i can't. and i'm so scared that one of these days it's gonna get so bad, that i'll end up going crazy and actually following through with killing myself. even though i know it's a one way ticket to hell. and i love God, but my relationship with him isn't helping much either. i feel like i let him down. like i'm worthless. like i'm nothing. like my mother told me over and over again. and i actually feel like she's right. :[ i don't know what to do. my meds aren't helping. i have 2 more weeks until i see my psychiatrist. i can't do this...help :[
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