i sent this messeage to someone here and they are trying to help me out but i don't think i am making myself clear. i don't want to frustrate anyone so i am wondering if anyone here can say what i mean more clearly:
"i dont think i need to go to a hospital as i have not taken anything yet. plus they do nothing at the hospital except have a bunch of meetings that make no sense to me. i don't think that there is anything wrong with me that is addressable. there is not really anything to work out. there are lifestyle changes that will be suggested, but i dont think those will change what goes on in my head. i know no-one understands this so i have stopped trying to explain it. i know that i have to take an active approach toward ending my life. i can't explain why i know this, but i know it. i'm not very fired up about the prospect, but i am certain that this is what i have to do. i was suppose to do this years ago. i got side tracked and kinda just ignored the idea. i was in a church group and was having too much fun. i know that it was selfish but i did not want to do it at that time. so since i have left the group, i have tried to follow through with my obligation, but i have not been very successful. i thought that i had finally found the proper combination and now you tell me i am not going to be successful again. i don't know what to do? i have to do this but no matter what i try im not doing it right. i dont want to break the law and go out a buy a gun but i think it is my last resort. this is way more work than it is suppose to be i believe."
does this make sense to anyone else. it makes sense to me but no one seems to understand my point of view. can someone please help me explain myself?