I have been blind for the past years and while trying to be a good provider I have completely lost sight of the things that mean the most to me, my wife and son. I have been a good father in most senses of the words. But feel like I have failed due to my anger issues that I just owned up to. What sucks is it took me this long to figure this out. Main reason I think is because I never thought about my problems, I always hoped that my wife would step in and find me help, and I am not trying to put blame as the blame is mostly on my part and I have come to terms with that. Hence why I have gone to find me some help. I have made a shift in my attitude and the way I go about things at home now and I hope that my wife sees that. Actually, I know she sees it but I hope that she will see that I am pointing 100% of my energy into it and that will hopefully allow me to adjust my childhood-driven actions. I just need someone to believe in me and some reassurance from time to time from the people that love me. My intentions were never to hurt anyone, especially my wife. I am not trying to make excuses but I have never known anything else and it is hard trying to break things that have been a part of you since you were born. I have alot of internal hate for myself now after the events that have taken place. Everyday since this past Friday has been painful and I have not had an appetite since then. The pain comes from me seeing that I have hurt the person that I am suppose to love and cherish, thinking that my material world was to show my love. For that I can only blame myself and my upbringing. But today is a new day and people are capable of change, sometimes it just takes a good swift kick in the butt to make it happen, sucks, but it is true. I am fully committed to not giving up on my marriage as I know that we can be happy! I just keep telling my wife that everyday, first thing in the morning when she leaves for work and last thing before she goes to bed at night. So that is what is going on right now in my turbulant world and today I flip a new leaf and do everything in my power to make my wife happy and once she is happy I will be happy because her happiness is what brings the smile to my face because at that point I know she loves me! It is just so hard to tell someone that you love them and all you get in return is a nod. It hurts everytime but I know that I hurt her bad. I just want the pain to stop but I don't know how. I have started to seek help and I hope that I find a solution that will help me.
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