Depression Support Group

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my thoughts (a journal entry I wanted to share)

deleted_user
deleted_user
I hate the fact that I cannot be alone anymore without my thoughts just straying...I mean I have been like this for about 4years but now my thoughts stray until I feel the urge to cut...I want to stop this, I want to be able to promise my friend that I will stop but I can't.

I don't know why I keep doing this, I am not feeling so bad anymore, I mean I am not happy but I don't feel sad either, I guess I don't feel anything. I am trying to let the little things go & I am trying to cope without my best friend in my life, it is so hard but I am trying...thinking about it makes me feel like I can't make my goal. I can't even make it 24hrs without feeling depressed again! How in the hell am I suppose to do it more days or weeks or anything, I just want to be better...I want to stop cutting, because I don't want to have to answer the questions about the scars. I am so scared to see my family or people that know me because what if they ask, I don't know what I am going to say or do.

I am sorry, I thought I was over all of this but I guess I am not...I thought I was doing good, but I am not. I just want my best friend back & I want to stop avoiding people & I want to things to be better! I want to stop being shy & I want to stop being nervous & I want to be able to breathe again, normally. I don't want to feel bad or anything & I definitely hate this numb feeling I am having. I just don't know what to do...
deleted_user
deleted_user
You can't just have everything get better in a few days weeks months years ...you get what I'm driving at yea? You can do it -stop cutting that is. I no longer label myself as a cutter in my head or go to that form of coping anymore. I have slipped about 3 times this year but I'm thinking that's awesome. Give yourself room to grow instead of assuming that you should be able to conquer depression, stress and cutting in one go. For me what helped was I just worked on stopping myself from identifying myself (in my head that is) as a cutter and then I worked from there. I hope that helped. :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
bump
deleted_user
deleted_user
katers, I know what you mean about thoughts straying. I'm not sure if this is the same thing, but for me I used to call it my "freight train." Something was pressing on me and that lead me to thinking about another negative situation in my life, which lead me to thinking about yet another and so on. Before I know it, life seemed overwhelming and I wouldn't accomplish anything (physically or emotionally). Now I stay constantly on guard. When that first negative thought comes up, I step back and evaluate it. Chances are that what I'm assuming will happen, won't, and I need to remind myself of that. Need to remind myself that A isn't necessarily going to result in B, and that it's that old liar depression trying to twist my thinking. What's helped me a lot in my mental health recovery is discovering the things in life that I'm passionate about and reaching for them. In my case, it's a job that holds great meaning and purpose for me. My next step is to go back to college. I'm also looking into opportunities for me and my two youngest kids to volunteer together a couple times a month for a cause we're passionate about. I've read that some people who self-harm have found the volunteer/reach out to others avenue to be quite helpful in helping them with their battle. I hope something in this long ramble helps. : )
deleted_user
deleted_user
I forgot to add...I'm still shy and nervous and have social anxiety but I can deal with it much better now that I'm pursuing those passions and finding that purpose and meaning in my life.
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