Depression comes over like a wave. Does there need to be a reason? It all builds up. It creeps up on you. So much to think about that you can think about nothing. One large unmanageable mess. You cant think about things one at a time. Thoughts get scrambled at times like these. Information overload. Negative, self-defeating thoughts attack you at your weakest moment. When youre hungry. When youre too tired. When youre too hot. When youre too cold. When youre too far away. When youre out of time. No answer to your problems. You feel useless. That all these hard years have been for nothing. You have been tricked, humoured and ignored all the way. You feel ugly. Stupid. Everyone else seems so together. They dont seem to have problems like you have. Theyre always. Having a good time. They are so confident. They just get on with it. Or so it seems. A lot of them are just pretending to be happy. Behind the fronts we choose to project cower very sensitive creatures. Depression is a massive underground cult. A well kept secret. A taboo subject. An admittance of weakness. An emotion that creates a torture chamber in the mind. Especially at night when things blow out of proportion to the point of ridiculousness. You can imagine any conspiracy occurring. It all falls into place. Depression supplies the problem, futility hides the solution and frustration delivers the final blow. If youre lucky it makes you angry. But if it really gets you bad you just sit there not knowing how to even begin to handle it. It dents your spirit. It shuts you down. This is the most damaging time. There really seems no escape. Somehow you have to find your way back. To return to a normal functioning mode. Most of the time you can keep on top of it. Your emotional self defence system is working properly. But depression and frustration are always waiting to invade and occupy. Things seem to be going well then you start to erode. You start to crack. The good mood turns sour. The humour dies. The saving sense of irony collapses. Self doubt, panic, worry, insecurity and paranoia seem to be the brains favourite operating modes. The human being should be on product recall.
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