I really don't know what to say. I feel better since I came back from my counselor this afternoon but honestly my life went from OK and even feeling motivated and optimistic in the early summer to total disaster and depression now by labor day. After much deliberation in the Spring, I left a job that was really difficult. I enrolled back in school and seemed to be doing well in the classes. I'm a teacher so I thought that I would find another contract here for the fall as I finished my coursework.
My life has since become dismantled. I had a routine procedure in mid-July that did not go well and I became very sick. This put off the job hunt a little. My insurance ended just about exactly one month ago. I had five interviews from late July to now, and not one offer. I'm running out of money. At this time, there was a sudden turnaround in my schooling, the tutor that was grading my work and saying that I was doing well handed it off to the professor above her, who disagreed with the evaluation. I went from getting 4/4 on all my assignments and received a zero. (on the exact same assignment) I would have to go back and redo it all but here's the problem...since I can't find a fulltime job I won't even be able to pay for the tuition. I asked if I could put the online program on hold and then come back to it, with the saved work that I have...she said that they can't pause it. I don't know if my earlier work will be saved.
In the short time that I haven't had insurance, I had a major medical emergency, I had an unexpected anaphalactic reaction to something and the paramedics were here. I had to pay full price to replace my epi pens-the dr. that I saw just would not follow up and fill out the paperwork for free epi-pens without insurance. I emailed...called..nothing. I could not go without epi pens. So I had to rush like mad and then pay full price. It is so dangerous. Unexpectedly in this time, I went into menopause, I was a little surprised, but it hit me so hard that I just don't sleep through full night, feel totally different, and had to pay out of pocket for hormone replacement and a visit because it had such a sudden and dramatic impact on me. In just a short time, I'm racking up huge medical bills.
Some of my friends don't understand. I keep isolating myself because I have nothing positive to add right now, and to be honest, one friend who I already feel strained with...the balance is suddenly being pushed over. In the past year or so all she does is criticize my profession relentlessly, just constant criticism and judgment. The criticism and judgment are just relentless and endless. I guess it's difficult to be around me lately but she has no idea...they thought I was actually allergic to the hormone replacement and that's what did it. I asked her if she could empathize or had gone through anything similar. You could tell she was just totally checked out and disgusted. I think many of her other relationships have hit the skids due to her extreme criticism. One of her friends that was a teacher, my friend would just argue and insist to her that "yes you do have money." I could only imagine how she felt. Oddly, they are not talking anymore. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, if I say I have some kind of limitation or anything, say I'm not available to drive, try to set limits, there is no listening, it's just a huge brick wall. If I say I can't drive, she says "yes you can". She just argues, forces and insists. Nothing matters. She's invited us to spend another weekend away with her. I wont' be able to take it. She'll scream and insist that I have money, even when I'm unemployed. I've had it to my limit with the judgments. And my patience is especially thin now.
I honestly don't know what to do. The reason I went back to school was to improve my situation, and now it looks like I might have to drop out of school. I don't want to do this. My support group has gone straight to hell. All the people there just argue and most of them are just trying to squeeze the last bit out of me-money, time, rides, no matter how destitute my situation is or how bad it is. I only have respect for my counselor and that's about it. I just sat here sobbing my brains out when I finally got my epi pens yesterday, I can't live without them.
I don't know if anyone here believes in spirituality or something like that. I know that some people believe in law of attraction, or that god helps people, but it just doesn't seem to be working at all. I need really serious help, I need medical care and a doctor.
i just need someone to talk to.
I was just reading an article on livescience.com and it said there is a difference between loneliness and existential isolation. I hadn’t heard of this before. I’m pretty sure I fall into the second group. What about you?“Existential isolation is related to loneliness, but it's not the same thing, Helm told Live Science. Loneliness is a feeling of a lack of contact with others, whereas...