whaa, whaa! im feeling particularly shitty today. its embarrassing to talk about, but i have been heart broken now going on 26 years. i was traumatized to say the least as a teenager, and never got over someone i desperately loved. now Im forty fucking two years old and i still feel like a jilted 16 year old kid. All my adult life i have made a living working in less desirable areas of the globe, helps keep the demons out to some extent. Im currently writing from FOB Slayer in majestic Baghdad Iraq. No shit, I really choose assignments in war torn and poverty stricken areas just to try and keep my mind on not trying to get in trouble. Some days it works, today it doesnt. I do see a shrink when im back in Dallas and the meds do help to some extent but theresz always this pain jabbing me in the sciatic nerve, jsut trying to get in. Man Im tired of being tired, Im bleeding to death and im pretty sure im not going to make it too many more years. its like a clock ticking. Every month i feel older, dirtier, sadder, more alone, more sick, more sick, more sick. In a statement, i fucking hate life and have since a child. My shrink even says that i have over printed the painful memories in my head more so than anyone he has ever treated. Years before, doing crazy shit for a career actually helped but as of late i dont think ill be able to come up with anything to keep the demons at bay...how fucked up is that. OK, thanks for listening, sorry for the melodrama, later, jim
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