So much is changing right now, so much is tumultuous and I can't even keep track of it. It's freaking me out. In addition to a huge career shift (which I acknowledge is of my own making). I acknowledge that I have sought for change as some of the situations that I've been in have been pretty unhealthy. But, in the interim, some things are happening of their own accord that I really don't like, things that I would not necessarily choose or want that seem to be a side effect of all the things that are going on right now.
Some relationships that I've had have been really unhealthy and I put them to the back burner. But something terribly upsetting happened and it resulted in the relationship coming to an explosive end. I was friends with a couple who weren't up front about their intentions. I wanted "friends." And they were angling for an open relationship the whole time just forgot to send me the memo!!! Why was this not easy to just drop? It got difficult. Hard. I trusted them as my sibling and father are physically abusive, so they and their friends became my *other* family. Little did I know what was involved. I started to gradually back out once the writing on the wall started to look really strange.
In March, there was a big incident where I attended a public event, and because I have ptsd I had to go outside to get myself together. He followed me out there and started shouting at me, telling me that I was f****e up, and that I neeed to get on his massage table naked and smoke weed; he was very pushy, controlling, and dominating. I was scared to death and he continued to call incessantly after that. I was so shocked and overwhelmed that I blocked his number. I could not believe it as they used to be my friends and I trusted them. I'd stopped even going to our mutual friends' home because he was there, and when I woke up from sleeping on the couch, he'd be standing over me, almost refusing to let me leave.
Fast forward to last week. I finally called the mutual friend and they brought it up. The addressed the situation (I didn't know that they were aware) and they stated that they had noticed my absence and that they hoped that I would return...and that they had several complaints about him, that he had lately in the past couple of months upped the ante and started harassing and terrorizing several women at their home, hitting them up for sexual reasons that that he was read the riot act. They stated that they didn't feel that I should have to lose my friendship with them because he was acting like an ass. I was grateful for this, but I also got a little hysterical on the phone too. It's just been terrible, with what has happened at work, all around. I feel like I live in fear all of the time and that I have no where to go, that I will have no where to go for the holiday. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I used to live with a lot of domestic violence and I hate the feeling of looking over my shoulder and that I can't even trust people who I think I should. The worst part was when he said, "you think you are going to escape, dont' you." This was horrible because 30 years ago I was pretty much in a hostage situation and the police had to come get me. I hate my life sometimes. At least I am going to somatic therapy otherwise I dont' know if I'd leave home.
I feel like I'm miserable in every aspect of my life. I literally say to my friends "I'm done" and it's not even a big deal. It's like they dont understand or dont care I'm not sure. Then at work it's the same constant routine of either fucking up or doing good and going unnoticed. Then the tipping point, my dating life. I was talking to a guy and he said he was going thru something mentally, so...
You---with the sexy grin and gorgeous eyes---I open the door to greet you and can barely wait ... to touch you and feel your hands all over me. I want to undo that shirt and peel it off of you... and I want you peel things off of me. God I wish I could swallow your tongue... feel your lips down the side of my neck...and the rest of my body. I want to break out of my sexy lingerie and feel...