Ok I can imagine anyone reading this and the previous entries is probably wondering why I havent checked myself into the hospital right? Well Im not entirely sure why Im like this right now.

I couldnt sleep last night. I tried to go to bed at about 2. I had an unrestful, tossing, turning two hours of sleep. I finally gave up and got up.

Its about 7:15 am and I do believe Im watching the first snow of the year outside my window! Leave it to nature to make me smile when nothing else can. The tree outside my window is very skinny and has deep crimson leaves. The leaves are dropping but there are still enough left on the tree to make it look a little sad. Like me. Hmmmm.....Me and the tree.....The flakes falling look wet and heavy. The bare part of the tree branches have huge droplets of water on them. It looks cold out there.

There is something so nice about being the only one awake. I can sit here and sort out my thoughts. Im thinking Im going to a temp agency on Monday. I am losing my mind here at home. The bills are piling up and last time I checked there was no money on that tree outside my window.

I sort of feel like Im on the verge of something. If I was honest with myself, I would admit that I get frantic whenever something in me is about to change. When I get to a new chapter in my life I fight it so much I make myself sick. My anger towards God is from confusion and fear. In my head I know the truth but my heart is wicked. I cannot seperate the past from the present in matters of the heart. My head gets wiser but my fragile inner self stays fearful and wary of everything and everyone. Im having a hard time finding comfort from anywhere. I feel like a little girl lost. Im searching everywhere for love but everyone just looks past me. I know people care about me but I cannot reconcile it.

I know I sabotage myself. Self-hatred perhaps? Im trying to remember what things where like in my mind when I didnt feel this way. But that's the thing about depression and whatever else goes wrong with being abused isnt it? When it comes you cant remember what you were like without it. Do you ever welcome it back? As bad as you feel do you grab for it and hold it? Do you feel like something is missing when it's gone? How odd is that? How many people live every single day with this? What is the purpose of suffering? What happens to us when the pain cuts a groove into our hearts? What happens when we hurt inside? Does something change within? Will there ever be a day when we no longer suffer so exquisitely? I say exquisite because without the pain how would we know we were alive? Would we rejoice? Or would we look for the pain? In that moment when you are sinking do you try to stop it or do you let it take you? Do you have a choice?

You may think Im crazy. Thats ok. Perhaps these are the wonderings of a mad woman.

I am at peace this morning. It wont last but I am enjoying this moment. Savoring if you will.

A bit more rambling. Can I adapt to having physical and emotional pain? We are amazing. Human beings. We can not even imagine what we are capable of until we are faced with it. We can live through horrors unimaginable. We can survive brutal abuse. We create art from pain. We block memories so we can continue to co-exist with the enemy. With the will to survive we can live for days without sustenance. We can feel the suffering of others. Compassion and empathy are ours to give if we so choose. We can disappear inside ourselves or we can float outside of our bodies to avoid and experience. When someone is dying they will hold back death long enough to see someone or say something important to them. How strong does your will have to be to hold back death?

We fall into complacency though. We forget to look around us. We stop seeing each other. Our eyes pass over a million faces in a year, never taking a moment to see each other. We trip and stumble. We get back up. We get hurt and we retreat to lick our wounds. We wrap ourselves in beliefs and ideas. Is that reality? Is reality whatever we make it? Philosophy. Fooey.

When do you know that you have touched anothers soul? How often do we see inside anothers eyes and view them for what they are said to be? The windows to the soul. Why do we keep going when we are so hurt? Why? We have all these reasons we tell each other but what is the real reason? Is it a hope that somehow we have a purpose in this life? Do we long to be apart of something great and magnificent? We shrink and shrink until our light barely shines. We fill ourselves with everything we can find to ignore whats really happening. Everyday we live is one day closer to death. What are we afraid of? Why do we fear the light that is in us? Is it not what we were given? To shine and create. To grow and give life? Are we here for us or for others? Is it better to spend your whole life dying or to spend it living?