My Mother committed suicide Christmas Day 1998. Ever since then I just can't seem to enjoy Christmas. Now those that have read my June 25th journal understand that I did not have a extremely close relationship to my Mother and therefore did not generally do much with her for Christmas. Anyway, When I came home from my parents house on Christmas night I found I had a message on my answering machine. I listened to it and fell on the floor unable to breath. It was a message from my Grandmother saying that my Mother was dead, she had been found by my Aunt dead in her appartment that day. Later autopsy revealed that she had committed suicide. Devistation is not a word for what I felt, I don't know if you could put a word to it. I still am crushed by it, all of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I know, there was nothing I could have done or said that would have prevented this, but I just wish I would have had the chance to try. To at least give her a hug and tell her I love her. I would give anything to tell her how much I love her and miss her and to give her a hug. I just wish I could talk to her one last time...
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