Thankfully for the most part I have been feeling a bit better than I was last Tuesday this time. Today though I am starting to feel hopeless, wondering what anyone could possibly see in me, reading other's posts and in everyone else I can see something beautiful. At least something that makes you all worth being here. I want to believe there is such a thing in me too but in all these years I have not found it. I still can look out as people go by and honestly wish I was them. Anyone but me. On one hand I am fortunate and I have no plans to do anything to myself. On the other I cannot imagine that my life will honestly be worth the living when the chips are stacked at the end of days. I want a reason for hope but everytime life seems to offer the moon and stars, I somehow end up mooned and seeing stars as my head hits the pavement called reality. I cannot help but vent. I am at my wit's end. Thankfully not enough so to do something I might regret later. Thank you all for being here. This place has already been a tremendous help.
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