Today i put on a pair of really tight pants to see if my pain would flair up. it did not flair up much at all! maybe this means the end to my pain will come after all. i really hope so. this is kind of my last ditch effort. if this doesnt work i do plan on killing myself. dont get me wrong i know that its not right to kill yourself but god damn im not the same person i used to be. im older and with nothing real to show for it. i wish i could have convinced myself that reincarnation was real. maybe if idid i would have stopped this suffering a long time ago. i just wish it never even happened. where would i be without it? married maybe. i dont know. if this does work i have to starrt fresh and its going to suck. my life is shit. i am alone and unloved by any woman outside of my family. at least if it does work i can start to hope it will happen again. i dont know if this will come off rambling and depressive or cautiously optimistiic but you havent been through what ive been through. you will never know how hard the struggle has been. it is by far worse than any struggle any person i have ever known has gone through. i know a lot of you will think about cancer stricken relatives when you read this and be like "this guy is nuts". you know what though? a lot of people get cancer. my youth has been taken away from me. my "type" wants nothing to do with me because i am 24 without a degree. i hate the thought of having to date someone under the drinking age. i hate this so much.
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