I hope this ends up in the right spot. I am new to this. I am a 44 y.o. male, never married from a big family (pretty average). I went to trade/technical school and live in a lower middle class neighborhood. I have worked too hard my whole life but managed to have a few relationships over the years. None of them turned out too good. I can say that I don't fit the 40 y.o. virgin type. In relationships I thought I might have some success/marriage some day. A small ray of hope. Here is my problem though. A death in my family and mid-life crisis has stirred me up so emotionally that I am now filled with self hate and fight every day not to kill myself. Before this last fall I was blind to the world. It is a sad place lacking of love. I worked and walked through life sheltering my inner self from happiness and pain. Now emotion is flooding out of me. Mostly pain and fear. Most of why I feel I have no worth is because I am male. We are now worthless to society and every time I turn around I see more reasons why we are a detriment to the world. There is a bigger divide between men and women today and most men do not have the skills to stay positive. Even if we did, we are not needed. Women have done so well, I am truely happy for them. I wish I could be a part of the new world. Even in a small way where I could look foreward to tomorrow. In the coming years, it will take men a long time to grow into the new roles and to learn how to survive. I can't make it. I'm already gone. I am one of many lost souls and need to die. In my heart I feel I am one of those that absolutely has to take myself out. Humankind and nature is a numbers game and I am one of the herd that will not make it. Therapy and spiritual help has not worked. I will commit suicide before I use any drugs. Prescription or not. I use no drugs of any sort and see the world as it is. In conversations with a social group I see once in a while, there was talk amongst some of the women there about the worthlessness of men. I was shocked. I think now I believe it. I know it is hard to love another without loving yourself. I am stuck there. I have so much to say but need to stop. No will ever love me and I know I have to die this way. I am not religous but god help me. Somebody pray for me or keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much. I wish I had a place or value. Everyday I feel my body slowly dying. It is slow and painful. My spirit is gone. My body needs to die.
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