This past week has been a total challenge and the next week or so will likely be the same and I dont know how well I am going to hold up. Ive not even had the time to get online here to offer my advice and support to others like I want to do. Im struggling to prepare myself for school with a bad back injury that is leaving me only being able to do half of what I normally can do. Ive been so irritable that I am snapping at my parents and it is just making the situation worse. I have very little patience left and its been exhausting. I left for the weekend, hoping to have a relaxing get away but I came home more stressed and tense then when I had left. My coursework is overwhelming me in so many ways, I just received our final exam study guide and it is so large I dont even know if it is worth my effort to try and complete it. I dont know if Ive got it in me right now to even finish this class. Its drained what energy I had left and now I am just struggling to stay positive and not end up tearing myself apart. I get very upset when I become overwhelmed with life and school. I started the process of taking out my loan for school today and it has me so worked up. I dont understand why I am just so negative towards myself. I have the hardest time dealing with my own criticisms and when I am criticized by my family I only become harder on myself. Why can we be so hard on ourselves? I dont understand how I got to be this way, going from a fun loving 5 year old to a very destructive critical young adult who is her own worst enemy. I go to counseling this evening and I must say that I am very nervous about it because of what took place last week. I know we are going to have to talk about it and how destructive I can be. I feel embarrassed to be like this, I am ashamed to have the desires to harm myself over something as silly as a final exam or a rude comment from a parent. I want to go back to when I was not like this and when I never knew a life like this existedwhere I would never think of doing things like this. But then again that would not have made me into the person I am today. I am strong b/c of what I have gone through but at the same time I find it hard to love myself because I question what it is I could have done wrong in my life to end up here, or is it just a product of trying to grow up with two parents who were heavy alcoholics and had a nice side and a mean side to them.but you never knew which one would come out so youve spent years walking on egg shells..and you have finally had enough but still feel trapped by the pull of your family. Feeling like without you they will crumble (or die). When is this going to stop?
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