Am having a moment of philosphical musings, as I don't understand the reason I'm acting as I am. The reason: irrational and sometimes self destructive behaviour, although do not get me wrong I am not suicidal. Last few weeks have been stressful for various reasons, now I find myself taking my tablets because they make me really calm, but have, stupidly, had university staff and ambulance see me after taking them with alcohol, although it doesn't seem to have any seriously negative effect on me. Am maybe drinking too much, seeking situations which make things worse and generally acting on impulse...sometimes it's like part of me is saying 'what are you doing!?' I love danger, went and stood outside in a storm...the power is wonderful...family say I'm thinking too much: I always think and can never stop about my theories on life, existence, reality; however, these thoughts make me too excited and restless, and people say I spend too long thinking too deeply...I want to do crazy things...I'm running out of tablets, need to make an appointment with doc and try to persuade him or her to give me more, not addicted but the thought of not having any is scary! This will sound mad, and again I'm not suicidal, but a fiend and I decided to lay in the middle of the road at night when there were no cars...doing things no one else makes me feel alive! I know the answers are in my mind...sometimes my mind works too much...and I want to study; research whatever till I make myself stand out...I'm close to ascertaining so many mysteries. I'm tempted into more things and should I stop. I want to feel alive! yes, sorry for this splendidly long post. Anyone else feel like this?
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