Yeah, I'm depressed. Have been for years, but my daily life has become less functional over the past couple of years. I don't go to a job because I thought I'd be able to make a go of working from home. It hasn't been going well at all and I'm basically broke all of the time. But going back to work seems out of the question, at least full time. I had a heart attack and have other health-related crap, so if I could work at home on my own schedule and actually GET work, I'd be fine.
But here's my latest issue...
My mind is sort of like that big wheel on "The Price Is Right"... it spins and one day it'll land on HOPEFUL, then I'll get SLEEP ALL DAY, then VERGE OF TEARS, then I HATE MYSELF, then I HATE EVERYONE ELSE, etc., etc.. What I've been feeling LATELY is guilt for not having lived up to my potential throughout my life. I basically have nothing to show for all the years I've lived, especially now that I'm so broke. I'm feeling that if I had "only" worked harder when I was younger, or stopped using my sad life as an excuse for not following through with anything, then I'd have a series of accomplishments to look back on. Now I look back and see a lot of wasted time and excuses and avoidance of hard work. I THOUGHT I was working hard...and maybe by some standards I was... but obviously I wasn't working hard enough because I have no more now than I did when I was 20. I Googled a few people I went to school with and saw how much they've done over the years and it's mindboggling how little I have to show for the past 30 years. It actually gave me a stomach ache. OK, so maybe it was the depression that made me feel like I was doing as much as I could possibly do, when in fact I was crawling along for all those years. But that being said, I want to know where do I go from here? If I can't re-live all of those years, and can't realistically make up for all of my mistakes, how do I forgive myself and move ahead to make the best out of what years I have left? Every time I try anything, there's a crazy urgency to it--- like THIS HAS TO WORK--- and that is so self defeating. How can I create anything of value if I'm always watching and judging my every move like an admonishing parent? I feel like I don't have any leeway-- luxury-- to fail at all. Which, of course is one of the major reasons I continue to fail over and over.
I haven't had a relationship in years and have zero confidence. Why would anyone want me? I'm 52, out of shape and sad most of the time. I don't have any money, and live in a crappy apartment. I'm HIV+ and feel like a cooty. If, at the age of 20, I could have imagined the sort of life that I would absolutely NOT want to have when I got to 52... a nightmare... I'm living it.
The weird thing is I used to be a kind of cool guy... funny and smart and creative. But what used to pass at the age of 20... or even 35, just doesn't cut it anymore. And I never got into drugs or major drinking, so it's not as if I lost years to some addiction that had a hold of me. The years just seemed to pass by and here I am-- worried, self-conscious, and clueless--- about all the same things. And more.
If I have any advice to give any younger person, it would be to not avoid looking at the depression straight in the face and getting it under control as much as you can so you don't spend your days...and years... sitting with no energy or confidence or motivation, doing nothing. Or doing stuff that adds up to nothing. Build something. Persevere. Finish what you start. Don't be tempted by immediate gratification. All those things that everyone tells you in school... discipline, dedication, hard work, etc., etc....they're ALL TRUE! But you can't enact those behaviors if you're depressed all the time. The cycle has to be broken.
If you think you can't afford a therapist, YOU'RE WRONG... there are places you can go that are cheap or free. And something I found out that really helped me is that there are wonderful therapists everywhere, not just in expensive private practices. You can get the help you need NOW, so don't make excuses until you get so miserable that you can barely get out of bed.
I'm glad I had the chance to get this stuff off of my chest. It was weighing heavy on me. With the recent holidays, I've missed out on a lot of my therapy appointments, so I'm bursting at the seams.
Another thing that friends tell me that I'm trying to get better at, but fighting with all my strength, is to go out of the house, and be among other people even when I don't want to, which is most of the time. When I do make the effort to visit or just get out, it does lighten my spirits. I don't feel so alone.
This is my first visit here, but I'll be back. Thanks.