Hi everyone. First, thank you for reading my post. I feel like a mess right now. A quick intro. I am 45, female, have dealt with depression since age 14. I dont know if its heriditary, medically induced (graves disease at age 11), or caused from family dysfunction.
Anyhow I was married twice, once at age 20 and again at age 26. I really loved my 2nd husband and did everything to make it work. He was an addict. That realtionship almost buried me... my depression became so bad. I was so helpless but strong at the same time.
I have 2 sons, they are both young men now, 24 and 19.
I took 5 years to myself from 2014 to 2019, no dating, no sex, just working on ME. Then I started a new job one year ago and met a man that I fell in love with. We became friends first, talked everyday at work, he pursued me and asked me out. We went on our first date in November, and have taken things slow, getting to know each other.. he told me he loved me in April and things continue to blossom slowly. Slow is uncomfortable for me but safe if that makes sense. I always moved to quickly without getting to know the person that well. This is different. We get along very well, we have so much fun when we are together, we dont fight, we communicate.... i've had to learn to communicate better and im still learning.
I remember before we started dating, he told me he had dealt with depression at one point so bad that he changed his life and created a routine to which he sticks to so he can cope with life. He is always so positive and uplifting. That is one reason I fell in love with him.
He has done a lot of work on himself and it shows.
I've done a lot of soul searching in recent months because I feel unbalanced now that I love this man. I have never been good with love and feelings and emotions. Its tough for me to manage and deal with. When I love, I love deep. He was attracted to me because of my positive energy and my smile, and my strength as a woman. I know I am still that person, however love makes me feel weak and I worry, and I overthink, and think what ifs. its almost been a year since we met and I love him so deeply. He loves me too. I have learned to express my love to him and I honestly feel like I finally am able to love him like I always should have loved another. I care for his feelings, for his heart, all of that. I treat him well, and he treats me well.
So what is the issue? Well things are not perfect .... he pursued me knowing he was not ready for a woman like me. Not that he wont ever be, but in time..
He has 3 daughters from 3 different women, 2 of his kids are adults, one is a teenager. He considers them all family, the exes and their families. Im sure that is healthy for the daughters.
So since ive known him, there has been 3 deaths in the family, with one happening today. His daughters great grandma who lives in another state. He left work early, called me and told me about it and said he needed time to work through his emotions on the loss, that he probably wouldnt contact me this weekend and to please not take it personal, he just needed to be alone. He said I love you to me during the call.
I guess I just dont understand how come he is taking this so hard? is it because his daughter is taking it hard? How well does he know this great grandma if he lives in another state? I try not to judge or question it.
He seems to need a lot of space when things in his life go array. it seems like its one thing after another. He is more emotional than he would like to admit. He tries to come off as a tough guy but i see right through it.
Am i wrong for feeling hurt that he pulls away instead of wanting to be with the woman he loves to support him even if to be together quietly while he mourns? I am no expert at this relationship or love stuff so its confusing. Is it too soon for me to want that type of trust and closeness?
I understand to a degree however I still have needs as well. It cant always be about him and what goes on in his life.
thoughts? questions? HELP... I already cried my eyes out tonight... i dont want to be selfish however I want him to need me like i need him.
I read something on here earlier from years ago, someone mentioned that relationships can trigger depression .... is that right? is that normal?
Ever since I entered my professional career I haven't been able to keep a job for more than 2 years. Not at fault of my own, usually layoffs cause me to loose them. Even moving to the other side of the country to the most popular city doesn't help. Almost always I struggle after a short time, I call in sick, I degrade in my performance and generally just doom myself to fail. My latest job I'm...
Its been a long time since I've been on here and right now I just need to talk.. ive mentioned before how my work place had become toxic and it wasn't good.. well its become worse much worse.. its been effecting me alot, I haven't been sleeping, my mental health has been bad, ive been coming home crying, and back stabbed.. So I made an appointment with my doctor and I told her how I really been...