My depression is something I've recently become aware of, it's horrible. I look for happiness in other people, sex, narcotics, material things etc. I am extremely unmotivated, and I often feel numb to emotions, then when I'm alone sometimes they pour out me in fits of crying or extreme anxiety. I feel lonely and rejected by others often, i feel sad when i get off work and go home. My apt. is always a mess because I really don't respect my possessions or my home. When someone brings up something sad or shocking i often find myself feeling nothing, not caring, even making jokes in my head at the expense of others pain. I can be a real jerk sometimes, I'm not a jerk. I abuse drugs and alcohol all the time, and in doing so often end up sleeping with randoms out at bars. I feel worthless, shameful, weak, and embarrassed. I constantly want to take back my past, I want better for myself. I want and expect a lot more for myself than what I'm giving, I'm sick of taking taking taking. I am sick of this revolving door of a lifestyle that I have chosen for myself, I am sick of the pain, I am sick of losing good friends, I am sick of the friends that stick around because they suck, I am sick of having a bad reputation in my community, I AM SICK OF THIS INSANITY!!!!!!
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