I don't answer my phone . I don't know what to say to people. Everytime my phone rings I get extremely anious and find it very difficult to cope. I can't get anything done because I can't stop think ing about all the things I am doing wrong. But what is wrong it that I can't stop thinking I have done something wrong. Where exaclty this feeling starts I can't put my finger on but it always does. I feel like people probably hate me or think I am wierd. I haven't told anyone about my depression so my dad thinks I proabbyl hate him because I won't call him back. I feel like every realtionshop that I had I have destroyed because of the constent self loathing. I don't socialize or contact frineds and family and then it snowballs and the thougth of calling everyone to apologize seems impossible. How do you tell people you are so sad it is hard to function. They are going to want to know why. I can't tell those stories to people. Most of it is from a broken family a brother who molested me, no one but my husband knows that. My dad has always talked about my mothers woes me ways so I have never let him see me cry or show any weakness for fear that he would dislike me as well. He would probably think I was just using the molesting as an excuse to be lazy. I have kept so much bottled up for so long that I don't know how to funtion in society any longer. I was diangosied with ulcertive colitis a few years ago and spent many many weeks in the hospital, several differnt times. My husband was not supportive and the people at work started to dislike me becasue of how far I had gotten behind while in the hospital. Our bosses changed insurance companies twice becasue of the increase in claims. employee premiums went up and this rising claims info was sent around in a company email. It was a small office and everyone knew that I was the cause of this. My bosses really statred to treat my differently and becasue my husband worked for the same company he didn't want to say anything. I had cycle's of depression before this time in my life but since that point I have been on a downward spiral.
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