Hello again, Im posting this not so much for advice but more so to let you know what happened to me yesterday. From my previous postings it is easy to see I am really struggling right now even with the basic things in my life and some of you definitely suggested printing out the posts and taking them to my counselor. I never did print them out and the entire hour that I saw her yesterday I tried finding a way to be brave enough to tell her what was going on. As I went to leave after our session I froze, I could not even open the door of my car. My heart was racing, I was trembling, and I could not breathe. I just stood there in the cold rainy parking lot crying at the door to my car. Shaking, I called 3 of my closest friends and there was no answer. I was fearful to get in my car and start driving because I was feeling like I did before, I just felt so destructive that I feared I would end up hurting myself if I got into that car. I stood there just trying to get a grip on myself when my phone went off. My roommate for the fall had noticed I called and she returned the call. At first I was not going to tell her but I broke down within a few minutes, I just told her everything and why this was so hard and painful and how I dont want to be afraid of myself or afraid of my life for that matter. She talked me into going back inside and waiting for my counselor to finish with her last client. I sat there with my heart beating because I was so fearful of what my counselor would say when she saw me there. Part of me worried she would be upset that I was sitting there when it was time for her to go home. However, when she opened the door and said goodbye to her clients she saw me in the chair very distressed. I was afraid she would want to leave but immediately she shut of the music playing and stood there, I was so afraid to speak, but then I just let it out. I told her about the two incidents last week and what I was feeling last night and how afraid I was of getting in my car to drive because I know how destructive I am. I was waiting for her to tell me to leave but instead she sat down directly across from me and looked me straight in the eyes and got me to calm down and we talked about it and how I was safe right there in that waiting room. Once I could breathe again we talked about ways to be safe when stuff like that does happen. She gave me a crisis hotline number and then would not let me leave until she was convinced I was not a danger to myself. We made a plan to get me home and I left. I dont know where the bravery came from to go back inside and basically tell this professional (who has the power to hospitalize me) that I felt like I was going to cause myself harm. I felt stronger when I left and I knew that it was the right choice despite how hard it was. It was hard to be weak and vulnerable in front of her but I just kept thinking back to how so many of you wanted me to discuss this with her. Im glad I was able to do this. I still feel very lost and confused and Im very edgy, but I also feel that I am somehow worth this battle.
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