wow that is always a tough one. um it depends if the secert is causin that person a lot of mental pain. some time its better to have everything out there even if it hurts for awhile and maybe they can start fresh

But the reason I would rather have it kill me rather than tell him is because I am afraid that if I tell him that will be the end of our marriage...

WOW..It's hard to tell you how to make that descision, I can tell you my view....if you did something you regret and you know was wrong and have learned from the mistake and it would make things really bad if you told what you did...then as long as the feelings of regret and the intention on changing is real, I don't see the point of making the situation worse by hurting the other person. Thats my opinion.

I do regret it, and I know it was wrong but I feel like I am being punished for this because the secret (lie) has been going on for over four years and it just keeps getting worst and more people keep finding out thinking that it's true and everyone is fine with it being true, even my husband but it hurts him knowing it's true but it would hurt him (I think more) if he knew it was a lie.

What would you do if YOUR SPOUSE had a secret (lie) that would ruin your maarriage? Would you want to know?

for me.. i always NEED to know the truth, even if it kills me!


What would you do if YOU had a secret (lie) that would ruin your maarriage? Would you tell your spouse?

for me, i would be scared to death to tell him. i really cannot say whether or not i would.


What would you do if you loved your spouse more than anything and would never intentionally hurt them but the secret (lie) you have, has already hurt them and would hurt them even more if you told him/her? Would you tell you spouse?

that is really hard to answer, i suppose it depends on the situation and how it would hurt them (emotionally, physically etc.)


What would you do if you couldn't live with this secret (lie) anymore?

i dont know, each situation is different.


what faith said makes sense.

I think that you already know the answer and you want validation that you are going to do the right thing. I every should answer your question and you should change your mind and all goes wrong will blame those that gave their answers?

RICHARD

The way I see it is either way this is going to kill me. I can't live with it anymore. And for those of you that want to know it would hurt him mentally not physically. It's something I said happened that really didn't. I feel so much like shit right now and I wont blame anyone for anything they say but I under stand where you are comming from (richarddw).

does it have something to do with a child?

What would I do if my spouse had a lie? (presuming I knew he had one, but didn't know what it was?)

Well, I would not trust him as long as he kept it, and I WOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM as long as he kept it, fot all I know he may have AIDS or HPV (which is also life threatening, and can be contracted even if you use a condom)

If I had a lie, I would feel guilty all the time, I would not be able to be emotionally close to him like I would want to be, and I would hate myself for not being honest.

Yes, I would tell my spouse. Because even though it would be very painful and potentially destroy the relationship, it would be much worse to lie indefinitely and never have the full potential of a loving, caring, and trusting relationship you both deserve. You cannot ever acheive that if either one of you are keeping a secret.

If I couldn't live with it anymore, I would set aside a calm agreed upon time to talk to him about it...I would tell him I have something important I need to talk about, and when would be a good time soon? I would be honest, take full responsibility, (even if there are some valid reasons for the kept secret) Remember -- this is just your confession, and working it out or not will come later.

He may not react favorably at first, so even if he says that's it, it's over, give him some time to cool off and think it over. He may change his mind.

Being honest will not necessarily doom your relationship. It may even serve to strengthen it in the long run, and it will also "heap hot coals on his head" (make him feel guilty) if he is hiding secrets, too, and it will be an opportunity for him to also come clean. And be ready to hear what he may have to say.

If that all comes out in the open and you BOTH want to stay together, couples counseling will help you keep that from happening again.

Also, you would benefit from both of you studying a really great book together called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It also comes with a workbook that you could each buy one for yourselves, to get the most out of it you can.

And Dr. Phil also wrote a book called "Relationship Rescue" that is supposed to be a very good one for pulling a strained relationship out of the bucket.

In my opinion, it is better to go your seperate ways, if it comes to that, than to live with the guilt and shame of hiding lies. It will harden your heart over time.

I'm sorry but I got a bit confused half way trough this thread but still think you h need to be honest with eachother. A relationship based on lies is not good, you'll just be waiting for the day when it all comes out anyway.

If depression has taught me anything its to be honest with youself, I'd rather someone hated me for telling the truth than loved me for being a liar.
I hope this helped. Good luck with whatever you chose to do.x

It's a tough one, lies are like hate, they eventually turn in on you. I think that you have to be true to your own conscience and take the consequences. Hopefully, you will be spared more hurt than you are feeling now.

I feel better when I aim for the best. The truth. The path of my conscience.

If this were my own relationship, I'd want truth above all else. I would rather build my house on a firm foundation than on shifting sand.

the first question is= does he/she really need to know,if nothing but pain will come of it i wouldnt say a thing,but it also depends on the lie/secret,try to bring it up as a question about a third person,feel it out first,judge the reaction and decide yourself,but if its something that has to be said then theres no way round itbabe.

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! I'm a believer in that. If you did something wrong then the consequence may be losing your marriage. Of course there are a lot of variables here. Living a lie is not good for you. If it were me that was wronged I would want to know! It's a respect thing imo.

I don't like secrets or lies. If I truly loved someone i would want them to know and make their own judgement, and I would expect the same in return