It's funny how the one day I need support nobody is there. Today was last PHP day (out patient group therapy) I was already sad and scared this morning. This was a major support line and now it's over. I didn't think I was completly ready but in the end my like many other was dependent on my insurance policy and not on how I feel or what I need. I came home only to find that my boyfriend decided to get drunk. So the one person that I needed to be there for me wasn't. I guess that's what I get for expecting support like an idiot. I should know better by now that you can't count on anything or anybody only yourself. We argue I won't bore you with detail then in a drunken haze he apologizes like his words matter to me at this point. He wasn't there point blank it pisses me off that he wants to half ass being there while drunk because he feels guilty. That just adds insult to injury and it pisses me off. Words are just noises muttered in the wind that ultimetly like everything just get carried away through space and time. I'n scared to be one my own without my daily group. I met wonderful people there that now have a place in my heart that I will ever forget. To come back and realize I'm back to my personal hell was life shattering. The only reason I don't just end my miserable exsistence is because I have a 3 month old son. That needs me at least for now. Although he wouls probably be better off without me. I love him dearly if it was not for him I would have killed myself a long time ago. Not that anybody would even notica if I were dead or care for that matter. Id probably be doing the entire world a huge favor. Trust me the world doesnt stop turning because Veronica is no longer on it. One less waste of oxygent the way I see it. I just want to go in my car turn it off and go to sleep and never wake up. I think more than ever I want to die. Yes I said it I want to die. What's the point in hiding how I really feel. I wont do it but I want to so badly I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of trying. The only reason I'm going to attempt to continue is for my baby. Not for anything else. It's pretty said when the only way you can have peace is through dying. Anyway that's it I wont burden you guys anymore with my miserable pathetic life.
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