hi im new here. i haven't been diagnosed with any kind of depression as of yet. i don't know if i am or not. i just have this view on life to always expect the worst and i guess i live my life like that. how can i be happy if i'm truly expecting the worst? i think my problem tho is even when the worst doesn't happen i still can't find happiness in that and thats why i'm never happy. there was once a time when i would let things give me hope and for a moment in time i would be happy but i don't do that ever nowadays. i mean if the lakers win a game and kobe goes for 40 yeah i get excited or if i watch a good comedy yeah i lmao but i mean my overall demeanor is not that of a happy person. now that i'm an adult all alone in the real world i just feel like i'm overwhelmed and i just want to be a kid again. but at the same time i wasn't happy as a kid either. i don't ever remember just being happy you know with no worries. even right now at this moment i don't feel depressed but i just feel like nothing even matters. i have recently just started caring about myself again and thats only cuz i got a lil extra money from the tax man this year. and thats another thing money. when i was a kid i blamed all my troubles and negative feelings on the fact that we didn't have money so i just assumed that making money would automatically mean positive feelings. i still feel this way but what i don't see in my future is making money. i see myself struggling in life like my mother did. i want to have kids but i would rather die than raise a child in the same financial situation i grew up in. so now i don't see myself making money, having kids, and at this rate i'm really just wasting my life. i look back at my life when i was a teen and i'm still the same person. the only difference is i've given up on those silly hopeless dreams. i still think the same and act the same and really i'm still holding that grudge against every person cuz of my life back then. its like i'm living in the past but yet i'm still moving foward. i still want to be a victim but i'm not anymore. i see people getting what i want and should have and it pisses me off. i get so much jealously and animosity and it just pushes me farther and farther away from society. its just not fair and i dont understand why it has to be this way. i used to blame my mom. now i just blame god. but its like i have to accept responsibility for my own life cuz its my life. the problem is i'm too down to do anything about it. i have no confidence and like i said i just feel like nothing i do even matters and its like i'm afraid to fail cuz i'm afraid if i fail then thats the absolute worst i could do and i have no choice but to blame myself but if i keep doing what i do and keep making myself the victim then i can put the blame somewhere else. its that and the fact that i hate this world. ok i'm tired of typing now.
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