
Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

deleted_user
I feel like I have been asleep for ten years...ten very critical years. I don't know how or where to begin to get my life on track.
I had a lovely few years attending a community college where I made incredible friends, found tremendous strength and love and support. I took a theatre class in my second year--looking for something fun and lighthearted. I was looking to begin anew--to create a new social opportunity for me and my child after we were abandoned by my long-time boyfriend two years earlier. Looking back, I think, "Who was that bold, brave girl who was willing to put herself out there and take a chance??" I didn't expect people would be interested in hanging out with me because I was a single mother, and all these people were young and footloose and fancy free. But I was incredibly surprised to find that, not only were they interested in me, but loved my child as well. They reached out to embrace us in ways I could never have imagined. I became deeply and meaningfully involved in the program and with the people, both in and out of school.
But I had to move on from there in 1996 so I could pursue my B.A. degree. My child entered school at the same time. There were significant shifts in my day to day world, and there were subtle social changes within my community college crowd that made me feel less a part of things. I felt so isolated, so separated. It magnified the depression I was already prone to. I was going to school, but had no passion or dream about what I would do with what I was pursuing. I threw myself into full time motherhood--which was really lovely. But I let go of my support system. In my confusion, I grew ashamed of myself--lost my bearings. I gained a lot of weight and used that as a reason to avoid seeing people.
I finished my degree, but didn't find a career track. I had traversed a path to satisfy other people's ideas of what I ought to do, and nothing was ringing true for me. I started working just to make ends meet, but had no defined purpose. The one highlight was my child and participating in her schooling. We had no home of our own (and still don't) . I was living with my parents, working a dead-end job, and living and breathing for my child. I had created a terrible debt load for myself by taking student loans to pay for college. My child struggled in some aspects of school, and I tried to be the learning specialist that I couldn't afford to give her.
...Then came the private school years. I thought it wasn't a great idea. I knew the pressures would be tremendous. But my parents pushed and pushed. My child got excited. I saw the possibilities of something good too. My mother was working at a very prestigious private school. The people there knew my child, and loved my child. They all wanted her to attend. She applied and got in. We were offered financial aid to pay the cost. And what costs!
I can't tell you how discomforting it is to be exceptionally low income, be single, be living with your parents in your mid thirties, and try to find a way to fit in with a crowd of people who are in stable marriages, exceptionally wealthy, and living very different lifestyles. It is difficult to find ways to socialize and become a part of the community. The kids with whom my child attended school were involved in wonderful extra curricular pursuits I couldn't hope to provide. If they had learning troubles, tutors pored from the woodwork to support their needs. I couldn't give my child those opportunities either.
I couldn't invite anyone over, and neither could my daughter. My parents fight, and my mother is apt to scream obscenities--doors and windows wide open--no matter who is in the house. (When I was a child, my best friend was not allowed to come over after a while because of the unhealthy emotional atmosphere. I was welcome to visit them down the street) Our home is always filthy--my parents doing, not mine. I am obsessed with tidiness in the common areas of the home, I am sure, because it is one thing I can control about my environment. I beg and plead for them to be neat, to think of their grandchild, but they just get angry at me for nagging.
Keeping this house tidy is like fighting a category 5 hurricane by wearing a windbreaker. Not only is the home filthy, it is falling apart. My folks have rarely ever, in the 35 years they have owned it, done anything to maintain the integrity of the home. There are holes in the walls, holes in the floor where it is rotting away, the smell of mold and mildew permeates the air. The foliage has grown up around the house to obscure the views. And it is weird because the home sits in what has become, in the years since they purchased it, a very expensive place to live.
The private school years were paralyzing and further increased my feelings of depression. Feeling inadequate was already a specialty of mine. This made it worse, and it inevitably began affecting my child. We had to avoid social interludes, make excuses why people didn't need to come by our home. I was still working my dead end job, and was not doing anything to shift gears. We were just surviving by the skin of our teeth.
Then, suddenly, I wake up and realize, ten years have passed since I had friends, since my child and I were able to interact as a family unit with other people...Ten years that are supposed to be the most productive--the time when we are supposed to be the most physically and mentally able to lay down the roots for our futures...and I have done nothing...The ten years we are most viable as mates, the most attractive, the most fertile...I lost them. I think I spaced out, slept to the drone of 500 cable channels, completely lost track of how to live. I feel like the mold and mildew that creeps up the walls of this house has grown over me. While the people with whom I used to socialize have mapped out their lives, bought homes, found spouses, made babies--I have been in a daze.
How do I begin my life at 39?
I had a lovely few years attending a community college where I made incredible friends, found tremendous strength and love and support. I took a theatre class in my second year--looking for something fun and lighthearted. I was looking to begin anew--to create a new social opportunity for me and my child after we were abandoned by my long-time boyfriend two years earlier. Looking back, I think, "Who was that bold, brave girl who was willing to put herself out there and take a chance??" I didn't expect people would be interested in hanging out with me because I was a single mother, and all these people were young and footloose and fancy free. But I was incredibly surprised to find that, not only were they interested in me, but loved my child as well. They reached out to embrace us in ways I could never have imagined. I became deeply and meaningfully involved in the program and with the people, both in and out of school.
But I had to move on from there in 1996 so I could pursue my B.A. degree. My child entered school at the same time. There were significant shifts in my day to day world, and there were subtle social changes within my community college crowd that made me feel less a part of things. I felt so isolated, so separated. It magnified the depression I was already prone to. I was going to school, but had no passion or dream about what I would do with what I was pursuing. I threw myself into full time motherhood--which was really lovely. But I let go of my support system. In my confusion, I grew ashamed of myself--lost my bearings. I gained a lot of weight and used that as a reason to avoid seeing people.
I finished my degree, but didn't find a career track. I had traversed a path to satisfy other people's ideas of what I ought to do, and nothing was ringing true for me. I started working just to make ends meet, but had no defined purpose. The one highlight was my child and participating in her schooling. We had no home of our own (and still don't) . I was living with my parents, working a dead-end job, and living and breathing for my child. I had created a terrible debt load for myself by taking student loans to pay for college. My child struggled in some aspects of school, and I tried to be the learning specialist that I couldn't afford to give her.
...Then came the private school years. I thought it wasn't a great idea. I knew the pressures would be tremendous. But my parents pushed and pushed. My child got excited. I saw the possibilities of something good too. My mother was working at a very prestigious private school. The people there knew my child, and loved my child. They all wanted her to attend. She applied and got in. We were offered financial aid to pay the cost. And what costs!
I can't tell you how discomforting it is to be exceptionally low income, be single, be living with your parents in your mid thirties, and try to find a way to fit in with a crowd of people who are in stable marriages, exceptionally wealthy, and living very different lifestyles. It is difficult to find ways to socialize and become a part of the community. The kids with whom my child attended school were involved in wonderful extra curricular pursuits I couldn't hope to provide. If they had learning troubles, tutors pored from the woodwork to support their needs. I couldn't give my child those opportunities either.
I couldn't invite anyone over, and neither could my daughter. My parents fight, and my mother is apt to scream obscenities--doors and windows wide open--no matter who is in the house. (When I was a child, my best friend was not allowed to come over after a while because of the unhealthy emotional atmosphere. I was welcome to visit them down the street) Our home is always filthy--my parents doing, not mine. I am obsessed with tidiness in the common areas of the home, I am sure, because it is one thing I can control about my environment. I beg and plead for them to be neat, to think of their grandchild, but they just get angry at me for nagging.
Keeping this house tidy is like fighting a category 5 hurricane by wearing a windbreaker. Not only is the home filthy, it is falling apart. My folks have rarely ever, in the 35 years they have owned it, done anything to maintain the integrity of the home. There are holes in the walls, holes in the floor where it is rotting away, the smell of mold and mildew permeates the air. The foliage has grown up around the house to obscure the views. And it is weird because the home sits in what has become, in the years since they purchased it, a very expensive place to live.
The private school years were paralyzing and further increased my feelings of depression. Feeling inadequate was already a specialty of mine. This made it worse, and it inevitably began affecting my child. We had to avoid social interludes, make excuses why people didn't need to come by our home. I was still working my dead end job, and was not doing anything to shift gears. We were just surviving by the skin of our teeth.
Then, suddenly, I wake up and realize, ten years have passed since I had friends, since my child and I were able to interact as a family unit with other people...Ten years that are supposed to be the most productive--the time when we are supposed to be the most physically and mentally able to lay down the roots for our futures...and I have done nothing...The ten years we are most viable as mates, the most attractive, the most fertile...I lost them. I think I spaced out, slept to the drone of 500 cable channels, completely lost track of how to live. I feel like the mold and mildew that creeps up the walls of this house has grown over me. While the people with whom I used to socialize have mapped out their lives, bought homes, found spouses, made babies--I have been in a daze.
How do I begin my life at 39?
Posts You May Be Interested In
-
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
-
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Don't give up. Take things one step at a time. Start small. You will not be able to accompish everything right away. Focus on one thing and stick with it.
Might I suggest getting out of your parents house? Even if you just move into a simple one bedroom apartment at least it would be yours...
Try and find a different job. I know that seems like an impossibility but honestly, a better job will give you more confidence and make your days brighter.
Hang in there. You seem to have a fighting spirit. Grasp onto that and fight for what you want.
My best wishes to you and your daughter....
Lots of hugs too!
Although from I different background, I may have to re-invent my life at 41 due to my career reaching a dead-end.
I believe there is so much wisdom on what jmt68 says.
Love
You have noticed that you have 'lost' ten years, i'm in a similar position, i think you must be thankful that you've had the mindset to at least realise you're in a place you don't want to be and that you want to do something about it! That is a big point.
You have a base at your folks albeit rather undesirable but it is a safety net for you to maybe make a change and if it fails know that it will be there to catch you.
You say you finished university, sounds bigger than that to me, you actually have gained a degree! Theres millions that haven't attained that level of education, it opens doors and proves you have a brain, jobs won't come knocking so get your cv out there. i think a new job would help you alot.
Just my thoughts, good luck.