Well I went to my new phsychiatrist and she seemed great. She increased my clonopin and my anti-depressent. I had found out that my insurance would only cover 3 more sessions of therapy so I called my therapist and she said she would work something out with my insurance. I went to a DBSA meeting tonight it was ok didn't get much time to talk since everybody else manipulated the time by talking too much. I'm very anxious and I had a panic attack and I broke out in severe hives and I could not breathe well I felt my throat closing up witch scared me. My boyfriend comes in from therapy and is all clonopined out and drunk telling me he can't take it anymore and he is done. I don't know what he means by this I asked him if he was thinking about suicide he said no. I don't really believe him. I'm worried, I requested that he check himself into a hospital and he didn't. At this point he has to do whatever works best for him. I don't want him to die but I can't handle the stress right now of consuming my thoughts about him. I have a lot of work that I need to handle on my own. I'll help him if I can and as long as I don't get destroyed in the process. I have a baby who needs me and that right now is my focus along with getting better. But getting such a severe panic attack because I was worried to death about him isn't healthy for me or possitive. So I'm ballancing in a delicate line. I love him dearly but I have to love myself also. I know this is selfish of me but I have major issues also like him and I'm trying the best I can and he seems to be on standby and I must admit I'm getting resentful. Latetly he assumes no responsibility for the baby or helping me around the house and hes not even working at the moment, if he helped me with at least something it would make my life a lot easier. He has been there for me when I wouldn't help myself so he knows exactly how I feel. Plus I'm worried about moving to Atlanta and I just found out one of my medical bill from the mental institution might go to my mothers mail box even though I told them my new address and I don't want her involved at all. I'm not going to let all this chaos rid my progress but I must admit it's damn hard right now really hard. The only thing that gives me joy is spending time with my son he is truly a blessing. He is what keeps me motivated everyday and is the reason I get right back up when I fall. I thank GOD everyday that he is in my life. Plus the fact that I'm sick with a cold doesnt help lol but shiit happens I guess.
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